I failed in my self set mission to go out as Dee in public. The snow travel warnings combined with tiredness and my lack of enthusiasm for trying to find somewhere quiet to change in my car during rush hour traffic meant I just made a bee line for home.
I felt really bad about it, it takes a lot of time and fuel for me to be in a place where I could risk doing anything as a woman safely.
To soothe myself I went shopping online and bought some perfume testers by Ck and a couple of dresses that were reduced. I also bought myself a winter coat as one of the things that I realised would make me stand out was not so much my wig but the fact that I would be wandering around in winter, in the snow, without a jacket on!
My online friends have been very supportive and have said that I will get there when I am ready, but I have been in such turmoil, they all seem so sure of themselves, their battles are all to do with taking their families on their journey with them or the day to day skirmishes that are fought by trans people everywhere as they seek to be accepted in a western society which prides itself on being enlightened but seems to be anything but.
Yet this week has not been all bad. I have made some new friends online, and have been reassured that I do not have to compare myself to others, that it is okay to be where I am on my journey, I have even been given a few suggestions of books to read around the subject of gender identity and transitioning, which is good. After all I should play to my strengths and reading is definitely one of them!
Incidentally “calm your jets” is a phrase used often in Scotland to tell someone to calm down when they are getting over excited about something – its the equivalent of telling someone to stop, calm down, and take a breath. I feel like I have been given permission to stop and take a breath.
My son bless him created his first female avatar for a game he plays called Roblox this week, and he was super excited to show me the character he told me was based on Hermione Granger from Harry Potter and how he was “sisters” with someone in the game. He switched back to a male one today when he went on but it has been sweet to see him copy the fact that I tend to use female avatars in the games that I play.
I am feeling a bit less tense now too, I don’t know if it is because I have stopped beating myself up or because I am starting to accept that there is no going back to just being man-me. I don’t want to.
The clothes I am buying now are practical clothes not based on fantasies and day dreams, I don’t want to get rid of them, I had almost two whole days to spend as Dee this weekend and took full advantage, I spent most of in a casual dress and tights, curled up in a chair watching movies, and when I had to go out I took off my makeup and clothes but left my nail polish on – I was only getting a few groceries, but it was still quite liberating – I had done gold to match my toes and it really sparkles in the light, and I was sure someone would notice when I was using the touchscreens at the checkout but of course no one did. As soon as I got home I changed back into my proper clothes and I have to say I feel much calmer after all of the emotional turmoil of the last few weeks.
I feel it is because I know I am at another stepping off point that I am dragging my heels, I don’t really want to go back to being man-me, I am pretty sure that woman-me needs to be a bit more confident in herself and stop worrying about what others will think.
I think that perhaps my calmness is because I can feel a little ball of defiance building inside me so that I do not have to worry about if I can build up the courage to go out somewhere because it seems to me that it feels more like it is a matter of when.