I don’t mean to moan, but I’m British and it seems that self pity and a bit of wallowing are apparently in our genes – possibly from being pillaged so much in our history before we got fed up and went pillaging ourselves…
That and I have been able to take comfort sharing my actual thoughts with internet strangers in a way that I cannot do in real life, where I need to be “fine”.
As I have mentioned a few times my wife and I split effectively last September – the vows I made to love her I kept as best as I could, I have only ever wanted her to be happy, we both knew our relationship was not a balanced one – she was quite controlling of my social life and tried to control how often I spoke or visited with my family, and resented me being out, often texting to see when I was getting back in etc – she did not see this as controlling, but over the years while I gave up more and more trying to make the marriage work and be the person she wanted me to be, and be the parent our children deserve, she often resented our very presence and the fact that it meant she could not always do what she wanted.
I have frequently been told by at least 4 different friends as well as my sisters that while not physical, it was an abusive relationship – so she ended 14 years of marriage (leaving me for the third time) Please do not misunderstand – I will not gossip and nor will I hear a bad word said against her, which can be frustrating for others and we are trying to remain friends. As far as I know she has no clue about my trans feelings and believes that the marriage breaking down was just a mutual acceptance because there were things I did that she could not forgive (I still have no idea what, but while I know I was not perfect and would admit to my mistakes she has always struggled with self responsibility)
Part of our drift back towards friendship has been her sharing with me about her new boyfriend – through conversation it has become apparent they got together the last time we had split up as well and then she got cold feet and came back – I thought we were trying to make the marriage work, she just hadn’t worked up the courage to make a clean break.
To make a really long story just long instead she told me two nights ago that she was engaged to him. My brain just about exploded. I had been watching the dogs for her to go away and put our divorce papers in and go to a hospital appointment so it was a bit out of left field to hear that she had gone out for a meal and he had given her a ring. By the time she had finished telling me I had recovered enough to wish them both happiness, but my head was pounding.
She moved out in October so in my head to get the relationship from bf and gf to fiance means that they had not really stopped 4-5 yrs ago. I have effectively been used for the last 5 years, that is a tough pill to swallow.
I struggle with self image, with emotional eating and with the fact that I really want to be pissed off at her but can’t because I am more annoyed at myself for believing that things could work out if only I could put more effort in.
Then yesterday two very large sheriffs officers came to “serve” me the papers – they were huge! Really intimidating especially as while one rang the bell and stood in the doorway the other stood off just out of sight and almost gave me a heart attack when I noticed him. The guy told me I needed to sign them and put them back in and then they both went off to their cars – I cannot put across just how much of a stereotype these two were, all muscle and no neck. They were terrifying! – which is of course the whole point, that way if I try to refuse the papers or get angry they can “sort me out”. Intimidation as a peace keeping tactic – do not start trouble because we will end it.
Turns out he was full of nonsense, a very nice lady today at the court when I arrived with my signed papers said I only needed to hand them back if I intend to contest it – erm, nope.
Later that evening my wife told both children and received mixed responses, my daughter immediately started thinking about dresses because she likes the guy and the possibility of having step sisters from his teenage daughters. My son burst into tears and said it was illegal, but we calmed him down, reminded him that engagement s just a promise and it will be a little while away yet – his mum told him that no one would replace me as dad (kind of surreal for me to hear just now) and that if I wanted to I could find someone to marry too, and by the end of the night he was angling for a star wars theme wedding.
I told the children that I was not going to be going to it as that would be a bit odd (which meant my ex could then confirm without having to bring it up later), but did say that I would not be looking after the dogs – I wonder if I can stick to that promise.
So it is a mixed blessing – I feel drained and horrible now after having such a wonderful weekend.
I feel so alone and unloved – because she has just gone straight into another long term relationship and I am effectively lost in the wilderness with no one to hold on to as I try to decide who I am.
Even the thought of dating fills me with dread – I cannot even start looking for someone until I know who I am and who it is I am asking them to be involved with.
Some of the girls I have spoken to online talk about attracting all sorts of weirdos just because they are transitioning and while flattery is nice, that is not what I am after.
I want someone to cuddle and hold hands, to kiss and snuggle up with – I want all of the physical interaction that says to someone “you are special to me”, not just some hook up – I never wanted that – ever! basically everything I want is what I have been starved of for pretty much a decade now.
But I am not ready yet.
I am lonely and afraid.
Afraid to transition and afraid not to.
What if all of this is just me distracting myself (badly) from the pain of losing my marriage? what if I never truly pass? what if I never find someone else? what if I transition and then regret it? what if I ignore my feelings and just go back to being that nice, quiet guy that everyone knows?
I’m not even sure if I want the answers to these questions, I feel so, so much already and yet I do not feel enough – it’s like my ability to cry has been neutered somewhere along the line – do I really want to ramp the intensity up? kind of… yes..
I could do with some virtual hugs. I may be cynical but I am an optimist – I never stay down for long and one of these days, perhaps I will get over my constant internal bickering and realise that I am actually worth something as a person and not just for what I can do for someone – I firmly believe everyone else has intrinsic worth, so why not me?
(If you got this far thanks for taking the time to let me rant xx)