Pressure to Purge

I have spent the last week in total guy mode. No amount of makeup would hide the redness of my face and when I attempted to shave after 4 days my chin and face still looked really blotchy and rough.  1 week on from laser and my face has cleared up except for 3 scabs which formed on the left side of my face, a small one on my top lip, and two on my neck under my chin, all very noticeable and I have been asked with concern a few times now by well meaning people including my ex and my daughter, “what happened to your face?”

Today I was finally able to shave, but all of this week Dee has stayed silent.  I have ghosted on the forums I have become a part of, logging in and out briefly and barely staying like I did when I first joined.

There is nothing feminine about my reflection, nothing feminine about my body, it has taken a considerable amount of will power these last couple of days just to NOT to throw all of my clothes and makeup out.

I must add that I do not feel any more manly either – I don’t look in the mirror and see some butch chiseled Adonis staring back – even if I squint, even with my eyes closed… all I see when I look is just plain, chubby, hairy old me.

I cried a tear because I got emotional at my son looking so grown up (he is still in primary school) and being upset because he was (accidentally) stood up on his first ever date with a girl to watch the lego movie. He is so sweet and I know he will get his heart broken for the first time soon. Yet for all of the “feels” just one measly tear. Nowhere near enough.

I have had a busy work week and have actually had a very positive week, connecting with many different people and actually being told they appreciate me, which almost never happens. Someone likened my speaking to a magician pulling the never ending scarf out of a hat this week – It was meant as a compliment but perhaps in her heart she just wishes I’d shut up and stop talking.

I have worked my days off and been incredibly busy and tired and in all of that I have not once found myself wanting to come home and dress as Dee, or wear makeup or perfume or anything else that I have come to associate with allowing my female side to show through.

Yesterday and today all I have done is think about whether I NEED to transition, I see others starting Testosterone blockers and estrogen whether chemical or herbal and they all seem both relieved and delighted, I have to wait until October for my appointment and I find myself wondering if I should cancel it so I do not waste someone’s time that could be better spent with someone who really needs it.

My life is actually pretty good, my work while not perfect is going well, I will need to move at some point to do the things I would like to progress to but I am building myself a positive reputation and there actually seems to be some appreciation for me and what I do.

My kids love me, although when I brought up Halloween with them the other day they said I looked “weird” and I do not want to look weird for my kids, they have enough struggles without me adding to them.

My divorce is happening and should be finalised fairly soon. My ex is already engaged to another man and claims to be incredibly happy about it, but our relationship so far is still very amicable.

I have found myself wondering why I am considering transition, I know I keep coming back to it, but literally everyone I know online says they reached a moment when they could no longer continue on their current path – they absolutely HAD to transition. Mostly at a low ebb involving attempts on their life or substance misuse.

I have been very fortunate, I may have an unhealthy relationship to food and caffeine, but overall my addictions are socially acceptable and managed – the odd time I choose to binge drink, which isn’t very often since the kids were born is not considered to be a big deal.

I do not feel that I HAVE to do anything – unless I am talking about passing because then all I really, really want to do is hide in plain sight. Honestly though that will be whether I want to walk down the street as a female or as a male. I just want to be invisible – often I feel I am.

I am exhausted with the constant worrying and the fear of rejection by family and to a point friends, and those I work with.  I am exhausted with the constant barrage of questions going around and around and around in my head about how to define myself, and how I am defined by society and at the moment I just want to stick my fingers up to the world and crawl under a blanket to hibernate until this all sorts itself out and goes away. I cant do that though – apart from the fact that it would take less than 5 seconds for me to start worrying that I had offended somebody, the world just will not let me hibernate.

I want to be authentic, I want to be true to my nature and I want to do that without feeling like I have to prove it to myself and everybody else – but I kind of do need to prove it, otherwise I do not need to transition, but just want to. I could carry on just being squidgy little effeminate hairy me and no one would ever know that I have spent 6 months dancing around my gender identity, I could probably do that indefinitely – but would I be saving myself from grief or just doing myself harm by inaction and avoidance.

Who am I? which part of me do I need to purge?

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10 thoughts on “Pressure to Purge

  1. Hair removal is terrible but it will get better and eventually end! Hang in there. Don’t worry about not looking fem. We all go through these times when our emotions take over and we see the worst. Your GIC appointment will come soon enough so don’t cancel. You are worth the effort! Its natural to ebb and flow about whether to transition or not, but in reality once the door has been opened to the possibility its hard not to do it. It does seem right. At some point the fear of rejection will pass and you will find your confidence. Trust me on this.

    Your kids thought you looked weird, well that’s a parents lot in life! We are not like them. They are cool!

    Which part to purge? The part you don’t like of course! Dee is here to stay.
    Peter “J” Rabbit

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for being so sweet. Your comment on parenthood made me smile, no matter what I do I will embarrass them but kids can be very cruel and I do not want to make life even harder for them. I just feel so totally weighed down by it all at the moment and I really do have no clue what I am doing or what I should do!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. breathe through your nose Dee and take things one day at a time. I understand you very well and all will get better in time. You are a trans person and nothing will ever change that. Accept and move forward by taking things slowly 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kindness Joanna. I am trying to take things one day at a time, but it is difficult when I have a family to consider. I think I can live with work colleagues and even some friendships being lost, but how my children will be impacted means so very much to me. Especially at times like now when I cannot even glimpse Dee in the mirror at all. Protecting them is clashing with my desire to teach them that they are allowed to be themselves in the world. I wish I had your certainty! 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I went through some very bad periods before I got to where I am today including divorce (10 years ago) and all is well today. That is how I know you will make it. My kids are grown now and fine with who I am and yours will too!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Keep your head up, DeeDee! We all experience times of doubt and frustration with our current situation. Life is brutal sometimes but you have what it takes to work through this!

    *hugs*
    Susan R🌷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Susan – Frustration with my situation – absolutely! I think I could cope with the doubts if I could say that I had periods of certainty! Am I a square peg trying to force myself to fit myself in a round hole? What do I hope to achieve any way? How will my life improve by coming out as trans? Today the first thing I did once I got back in after packing the children off to their mums is come back and put on some ladies jeans and trainers, a pink tee shirt, and my favourite wig. The clothes are for chilling out in, the hair because although I feel a fraud for wearing it – I somehow feel more ladylike when I catch my reflection and less like a man in the wrong clothes. All I am doing is listening to music and working on my laptop. I know I am comfortable like this. More comfortable than I was in the shirt and trousers I had to wear out this morning, which felt more like a costume than my current outfit. Is it possible to acknowledge being trans without accepting it? I seem to go back and forth between the two positions. Am I trying too hard to be feminine when I do not need to or am unable to? What makes others able to see me as Dee and tell me I am a trans person and yet I sit here unable to see?

      Thanks for the hugs – they brightened up my morning, as a good hug always should 🙂
      x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “Is it possible to acknowledge being trans without accepting it?”

    I think the short answer ‘imho’ is, Yes. But doing that has got to be difficult and not without cost. This may be the worst analogy in the world but hear goes nothing…you might ask yourself, “Am I [insert your actual race]” and verify it with your family, acknowledge it, but then say to yourself, “I refuse to be part of that ancestry”. What has this denial really changed? Nothing! ..except your refusal of accepting a truth about yourself. Will denial of the truth in this instance affect your life? Probably not. But being Transgendered is much different because denial of this truth can continue to cause you pain in several ways…gender dysphoria and non-self acceptance are the main issues. And as you have learned from experience, these are HUGE issues. On the other hand, if you embrace the truth and live as your true self, you may experience other things like…rejection, violence, bias and stereotypes among other things. Living as yourself and being honest about who you are has it’s costs. The truth often does. The benefits though, in many cases, are well worth it. In my case, an underlying anger that affected my everyday life for years is now nearly nonexistent.

    I have been coming out to a few people every week now over this past month and I’m doing it because I want my family and friends to love me as I am, but I’m constantly weighing the costs of each decision I make. It’s all a choice we have to make. It’s been very difficult to do but all the relationships in my case have improved because of my disclosure. I have been able to be myself more and more as I let more of the world into mine. But I can tell you one thing I’ve learned through it all. I could never accept myself as transgendered and come out to anyone if I thought I could be happy living in denial for another 22 years. I’m smart enough to know that I can’t. You must come to terms with who you are first. I think you have acknowledged it for yourself. So..what’s next for you?

    With Warm Regards,
    Susan🌷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Susan, thanks for your well thought out response.

      “I could never accept myself as transgendered and come out to anyone if I thought I could be happy living in denial for another 22 years. I’m smart enough to know that I can’t. You must come to terms with who you are first.”

      I suppose that without hrt the person in the mirror doesn’t change, mentally or physically. It is literally all smoke and mirrors. At the moment I am seeing still the little boy who liked to play dress up and never grew out of it and as much as I love Dee I am the only one who sees her. My family and friends never have. It all makes my head hurt. I guess I want to be smart enough to know my answer and am just impatient. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “I’m smart enough to know that I can’t.” was a poorly written phrase on my part..plz forgive my wording, DeeDee. “I’m sure enough to know I can’t [based on knowing myself].” would be a better phrase.

        I agree with you about another thing too. HRT has helped me so much to see Susan in the mirror. I still need a little help from Maybelline but it dies help. I came across my passport renewal photo from 8 mos ago, about 2 mos prior to starting HRT and my diet. I don’t look anything like that person now. My wife couldn’t believe the changes when I showed her the full screen image on our computer. It can make a huge difference in your self acceptance.

        Liked by 1 person

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