I have spent the last week in total guy mode. No amount of makeup would hide the redness of my face and when I attempted to shave after 4 days my chin and face still looked really blotchy and rough. 1 week on from laser and my face has cleared up except for 3 scabs which formed on the left side of my face, a small one on my top lip, and two on my neck under my chin, all very noticeable and I have been asked with concern a few times now by well meaning people including my ex and my daughter, “what happened to your face?”
Today I was finally able to shave, but all of this week Dee has stayed silent. I have ghosted on the forums I have become a part of, logging in and out briefly and barely staying like I did when I first joined.
There is nothing feminine about my reflection, nothing feminine about my body, it has taken a considerable amount of will power these last couple of days just to NOT to throw all of my clothes and makeup out.
I must add that I do not feel any more manly either – I don’t look in the mirror and see some butch chiseled Adonis staring back – even if I squint, even with my eyes closed… all I see when I look is just plain, chubby, hairy old me.
I cried a tear because I got emotional at my son looking so grown up (he is still in primary school) and being upset because he was (accidentally) stood up on his first ever date with a girl to watch the lego movie. He is so sweet and I know he will get his heart broken for the first time soon. Yet for all of the “feels” just one measly tear. Nowhere near enough.
I have had a busy work week and have actually had a very positive week, connecting with many different people and actually being told they appreciate me, which almost never happens. Someone likened my speaking to a magician pulling the never ending scarf out of a hat this week – It was meant as a compliment but perhaps in her heart she just wishes I’d shut up and stop talking.
I have worked my days off and been incredibly busy and tired and in all of that I have not once found myself wanting to come home and dress as Dee, or wear makeup or perfume or anything else that I have come to associate with allowing my female side to show through.
Yesterday and today all I have done is think about whether I NEED to transition, I see others starting Testosterone blockers and estrogen whether chemical or herbal and they all seem both relieved and delighted, I have to wait until October for my appointment and I find myself wondering if I should cancel it so I do not waste someone’s time that could be better spent with someone who really needs it.
My life is actually pretty good, my work while not perfect is going well, I will need to move at some point to do the things I would like to progress to but I am building myself a positive reputation and there actually seems to be some appreciation for me and what I do.
My kids love me, although when I brought up Halloween with them the other day they said I looked “weird” and I do not want to look weird for my kids, they have enough struggles without me adding to them.
My divorce is happening and should be finalised fairly soon. My ex is already engaged to another man and claims to be incredibly happy about it, but our relationship so far is still very amicable.
I have found myself wondering why I am considering transition, I know I keep coming back to it, but literally everyone I know online says they reached a moment when they could no longer continue on their current path – they absolutely HAD to transition. Mostly at a low ebb involving attempts on their life or substance misuse.
I have been very fortunate, I may have an unhealthy relationship to food and caffeine, but overall my addictions are socially acceptable and managed – the odd time I choose to binge drink, which isn’t very often since the kids were born is not considered to be a big deal.
I do not feel that I HAVE to do anything – unless I am talking about passing because then all I really, really want to do is hide in plain sight. Honestly though that will be whether I want to walk down the street as a female or as a male. I just want to be invisible – often I feel I am.
I am exhausted with the constant worrying and the fear of rejection by family and to a point friends, and those I work with. I am exhausted with the constant barrage of questions going around and around and around in my head about how to define myself, and how I am defined by society and at the moment I just want to stick my fingers up to the world and crawl under a blanket to hibernate until this all sorts itself out and goes away. I cant do that though – apart from the fact that it would take less than 5 seconds for me to start worrying that I had offended somebody, the world just will not let me hibernate.
I want to be authentic, I want to be true to my nature and I want to do that without feeling like I have to prove it to myself and everybody else – but I kind of do need to prove it, otherwise I do not need to transition, but just want to. I could carry on just being squidgy little effeminate hairy me and no one would ever know that I have spent 6 months dancing around my gender identity, I could probably do that indefinitely – but would I be saving myself from grief or just doing myself harm by inaction and avoidance.
Who am I? which part of me do I need to purge?