Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, even when I want to cry I just can’t. I feel my eyes welling up and then…… nothing. A couple of deep sighs later and I am back to levelled off.
I am still slumped, still struggling to care about my day to day work life. I am coping with whatever comes in but minimal outcome with maximum effort seems to be my current ratio.
I’m starting to wonder if it is worth going to my GP to see if they can do something, I hate it when I am in a slump, it takes so much effort to actually do anything, I am exhausted every day and yet struggle to go to bed to sleep. This morning I went back to bed rather than go for my morning run. Then later on in the morning I was invited for a coffee and turned it down because I just don’t want to do the whole small talk chatting game today.
My life is fairly stable, my work is regular and provides me and my son with food and shelter and other little luxuries like the vacuum I bought this month because I was finally fed up after 3 months of not being able to clean the floors properly with the old one my ex left. (Yes I know it is minging but no one really likes hoovering!)
I am drifting around waiting for January for my next clinic appointment because I stupidly said that December was too busy for me, I wont get the chance to go out, I have too many bills to pay off before I can go back to my electrolysis and I don’t even have the energy to stay on top of my shaving so I am back to being the little gorilla-man that everyone sees me as.
I know Christmas will soon be upon us and that is going to be a lovely reminder that I still can’t go out anywhere as Dee, if I do get invited out over the festive period it will be as I am now 😦 I feel like I am stuck, like a car with a slow puncture just coasting to a safe stop. I feel too emotionally flat to enjoy and appreciate all that I do have and zero momentum to change the things I would like to yet.
I wonder if I can look up pride/trans events for next year and see if there is a way to go to a few different UK ones to give myself some more me time…