Slow puncture

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, even when I want to cry I just can’t. I feel my eyes welling up and then…… nothing. A couple of deep sighs later and I am back to levelled off.

I am still slumped, still struggling to care about my day to day work life. I am coping with whatever comes in but minimal outcome with maximum effort seems to be my current ratio.

I’m starting to wonder if it is worth going to my GP to see if they can do something, I hate it when I am in a slump, it takes so much effort to actually do anything, I am exhausted every day and yet struggle to go to bed to sleep. This morning I wentย  back to bed rather than go for my morning run. Then later on in the morning I was invited for a coffee and turned it down because I just don’t want to do the whole small talk chatting game today.

My life is fairly stable, my work is regular and provides me and my son with food and shelter and other little luxuries like the vacuum I bought this month because I was finally fed up after 3 months of not being able to clean the floors properly with the old one my ex left. (Yes I know it is minging but no one really likes hoovering!)

I am drifting around waiting for January for my next clinic appointment because I stupidly said that December was too busy for me, I wont get the chance to go out, I have too many bills to pay off before I can go back to my electrolysis and I don’t even have the energy to stay on top of my shaving so I am back to being the little gorilla-man that everyone sees me as.

I know Christmas will soon be upon us and that is going to be a lovely reminder that I still can’t go out anywhere as Dee, if I do get invited out over the festive period it will be as I am now ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I feel like I am stuck, like a car with a slow puncture just coasting to a safe stop. I feel too emotionally flat to enjoy and appreciate all that I do have and zero momentum to change the things I would like to yet.

I wonder if I can look up pride/trans events for next year and see if there is a way to go to a few different UK ones to give myself some more me time…

 

10 thoughts on “Slow puncture

  1. I’m sorry to read you’re feeling a bit down DeeDee. It will turn around soon, I’m certain. Oh deferring your GIC appointment based upon unknowns. Not good! Unfortunately the date is set but it will came as sure as the sun rises each morning.

    Take a moment to think about all you do have and all you’ve accomplished. Its quite a bit!

    “Hoovering.” Another uniquely UK term. I can only imagine the Hoover Vacuum Company had a big impact there!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha ๐Ÿ™‚ Judi thank you for the smile. The Hoover company was the big brand here while I was growing up so it was just a stock phrase, long before Dyson (and now Shark) arrived on the scene! I hope my mood picks up soon too!

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  2. Metaphorically speaking, the vacuum may mean more than just a floor cleaner. Living in a vacuum is just as choking as is the final result of a slow leak. I’ve been through both, and both of were my own making. There is still hope, though, that we can finally breath easy.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sans the weapon, of course. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve been lambasted for commenting with tips on people’s blogs before, but I will say this: Breath deeply, and breath often. Oh, and the air you breath is also much fresher when the elephant is out of the room.:-)

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      2. If I do not like your comment it is my own fault for asking. ๐Ÿ™‚ I may be sharing my thoughts and feelings but sometimes a different perspective can help tremendously.

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