The run up to Christmas

Twas the run up to Christmas, when all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hidden away in a drawer,

the dresses, the jeans, and the make up no more;

The woman inside tucked up safely in bed;

the visions of coming out played in my head;

Of mamma accepting that her boy is a girl,

that my gender is not what I thought after all.

At Christmas I’d rather be stood in the kitchen,

than sitting around with the guys simply drinking.

Now more than ever I’m aware that I’ve grown;

I may fit right in but I feel all alone!

If everyone found out the me that I hide,

the part of me buried so deep, down inside.

Would they laugh? would they taunt? would they call me a freak?

Would they tell me I’m selfish? pathetic? and weak?

Would they tell me that I am no longer allowed,

to sit with my family who once were so proud?

Would I end up an outcast? No more Christmas at home?

Doomed to be me, but me all alone?

I really don’t know; the woman in me wants to be free;

wear what I want, when I want; to be her and not he.

There is a slim hope, I’ve seen others who’ve made it.

They’ve escaped their own chains, and worked through all the shit.

Despite all my angst there is one saving grace.

Something that anchors me down in my place!

I have one small gift that’s secretly hidden.

A gift from my sister to me, it was written.

This is my true gift, it’s for no one to see;

but she knows who I am, she really sees me.

*****

 

I didn’t mean to keep going after the title, it is a poor truncated cousin of the original poem but I doubt I am the only one putting all thoughts of having enough privacy to be Dee aside for the next few days.

I love Christmas, that I get to spend it with my children this year makes it so incredibly special, it is a time of miracles; of giving and of love where we all try to be just a little bit more aware that we exist in a world with other people and that they matter too.

Perhaps one day soon I will spend every day as Dee, and the man mask will be relegated to those Facebook memory photos that pop up from time to time on my timeline, until then I will tiptoe forwards, feeling my way, scared and excited as I strip away all of the safety nets and dismantle the smoke and mirrors and pray that there is enough real me left underneath it all to actually be someone.

I wish you all a merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

xx

3 thoughts on “The run up to Christmas

  1. Enjoy your kids enjoying Christmas. They grow up much too fast! I’m sure you’ll grow into your authentic-self soon enough, as well. Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dee, I wish you all that you desire this Christmas season as I know it is attainable for you. I have seen you grow and it will not be long before you can live as you wish forever. All my love to you!
    Judi

    Liked by 1 person

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