I have not posted recently because I finally ran out of things to say.
I live a dull life and grateful life, I leave the house to get food and for my essential work, but that is it. After straining a muscle I have been unable to take deep breaths without pain and so all my gardening and household projects as well as my jogging goals have fallen by the wayside.
With nothing to say it seemed pointless writing a blog.
I have been spiralling down into a world of total apathy. When even getting dressed in the morning becomes an optional extra, then what is the point in getting up in the morning at all?
I hereby relieve myself of the need to type something here every week, it is meant to be a journal of my journey, and when I first started my brain was so full of thoughts and feelings that I didn’t have anywhere but here to store them.
But due to world events I have found my journey paused. I cannot dress as Dee nor go out as Dee, I cannot move forwards with GIC clinics, HRT or electrolysis until society gets moving again. I can interact online as Dee, but due to my voice I am resigned to written word only, I am feeling disconnected and am unsure how to reconnect.
My voice is really the only thing I have started looking at, going back to trying to fix it so that I can talk properly! I can only sporadically practice while my son is at the other end of the house or when I am going to the supermarket and back but I am attempting to practice talking with a more feminsed voice. I have mentioned in the past that I have actively learnt to avoid using my arms and facial expressions to talk to fit in better, and I also artificially lowered my voice to give myself more gravitas, I am a tenor so not James Earl Jones booming, but I am very capable of making myself heard across a loud or large space.
I need to be able to continue to use my voice loud or quiet moving forwards, but I do not want the disconnect between how I sound, and how I look to lead to alter how I feel and how people treat me – there will be enough anxiety as it is wothout me being scared to talk.
One of my good friends is willing to help me practice, though I am still self conscious and this is still early days, when I can find a level I want to maintain we can work on speech patterns, though as a natural mimic I do not really worry too much about that. Wherever I am I tend to fit in quietly in the corner. I am just switching to what I feel is the more natural corner for me.
I hope that you continue to stay as safe as you can.