I feel like I have barely had a chance to breathe let alone reflect the last wee while. There has been a perfect storm of work and school things combining to make me feel like I have not stopped rushing around.
However, this week is the build up to me visiting my gender counsellor in person, up until now all of our meetings have been over the telephone but she firmly believes that she can get the measure of someone far better by seeing them face to face. A belief that I share, I have grown up reading people’s facial expressions and unconscious body language and you can tell instantly how engaged or invested someone is by how they move combined with their tone – what they actually say registers last for me. I very much feel a room before I process it.
By the end of last week I had started to worry about what to wear. I know this isn’t a job interview, but in a way it feels like one. I want to dress appropriately and show that I care, but without going overboard, I mean what is a woman supposed to wear to counselling sessions?
I picked two outfits that I like and have asked a couple of people what they thought – one is a jeans and red top combo, and the other is my flower print dress, both with matching ankle boots. I like boots.
My sisters offered a very unhelpful but totally accurate, “It doesn’t matter, wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable as DeeDee”.
I have one vote for the jeans and top, they are feminine yet practical, especially with boots- and will be easier to change into and out of before getting home. For a 1st meet they are perfect and then I can wear the dress another time.
I also have one vote for the dress. I like the dress because it is highly feminine, but at this time of year the majority of women I see are now wearing jeans and I do not want to look like I am trying too hard (something I have read about) and not just naturally being myself.
I will need to get ready and then leave the house as male me, change into DeeDee (like Superman in the back of the taxi only becoming wonderwoman instead 😉) and then spend my day as myself remebering to change before I get back to collect my son.
So the jeans are easier than the extra clothes needed to hide the dress, I have a pastel flower facemask just because I can in case I need to stop, which I usually do as it is a 3hr drive there and a 3hr drive back. I also kind of want to go for a coffee somewhere too, which if I am organised is very possible.
The thing is I am not scared about going out as DeeDee, nervous yes, I think my voice is still far too masculine when I talk even though the apps tell me I am predominately in the female range, my resonance is patchy and comes and goes at best.
The big thing is that this feels right for me, I want to go out, I want to be myself and even thinking about it makes me smile.
I still really want to start telling my friend group, but would feel bad coming out to them before I have told my mum, something I hope to do this Christmas. Being certain of the direction of travel means I can start making in roads to get there. At some point this year I will probably get my ears pierced ready for when I can start wearing decent earrings and I vary between not caring and thinking, well they’re going to start talking sooner or later so why not be happy.
Hopefully I will have something other than clothes to think about by the end of this week, but let’s face it, they are part of the fun of being me!