When I first started questioning my gender and was taking every online gender quiz I could find I often saw the question, “If you could press a button and wake up tomorrow as a woman, and society would interact with you as a woman, with no negative backlash physically or socially from work or friends and family would you do it?”
My answer to that has kept changing all the time. The problem of course is that it is a loaded question. Every choice we make has a consequence, we cannot remove them no matter how much we wish to, when I was first questioning I wasn’t sure how I saw myself because I had buried my feelings so deep down that I could not answer the question honestly. I literally could not see myself belonging anywhere.
Then as I started accepting those parts of myself the thought of living a life free of guilt and fear and all of these military planned exercises to test my boundaries and experiences would have me slamming my hand on that button repeatedly!
However now that I have accepted myself and am in the literal process of getting myself together I think the real answer is the fact that I do not have to press the button.
I wake up every day as a woman, and always have done. Are there things about me I’d like to change? Definitely. Point to a woman who likes every aspect of her body and I would see either a liar or someone in denial. It’s why the media has such a tight grip on what is considered body beautiful, it plays into our own insecurities and then rather than just accepting ourselves we spend money on ridiculous diet fads and emotionally binge eat when our will-power breaks.
Today my gender therapist was discussing how to integrate DeeDee into my work life, she said that I was very fortunate, everything about how I looked and moved and behaved told her brain she was dealing with a woman and so if she bumped into me in the street or saw me at a work thing she would not question that. She asked me if I could see myself taking the stealth route in the future, because where I live now in a very traditional and small rural community makes that totally impossible. Stealth is just another way of saying leading a quiet life when it comes to transitioning, none of us wants to just be trans, no one wants to spend their whole life being picked apart and interrogated by others for one aspect of who they are, we are all more than the sum of our parts.
I was obviously incredibly flattered that she thought that this could be an option for me, she says my voice is already really good. It is soft and light in tone, and not deep or gravelly, and that is true, I stopped artificially lowering my voice and my starting pitch is probably higher than hers, but I have plenty I have to keep working on with it though.
It is a part of how I want to be seen, like hair, like outfits, like glasses, like makeup or little to no makeup (which is really how I intend to be most days) everything we do says something about us.
As I now have to go straight from one appointment to the other I explained to my work therapist that I had pushed over all of the flimsy film front personas I had hidden behind all these years, I have taken a lot of time to think about who I am as a person, and what are the things that fill me with life and energy and enthusiasm, and now I am trying to put all these pieces back together again in a way that makes me feel good about myself but also allows others to be comfortable with me.
I know I will face difficulties simply from being myself, I know I will get some invasive and downright nasty comments, the area I work in is known for not respecting personal/professional boundaries, yet the happier I am in myself the less other peoples opinions of me will matter.
I have spent over 15 years loving someone who really did not love me in return, I have had my heart torn multiple times, I have had my self esteem lowered to the point where I really did not see why anyone wanted to be around me and I will never go back to that place.
My Canadian friend had come over for a family emergency and has to go back soon but he took the time out now that he is no longer quarantined to come and visit.
He arrived with an absolutely gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a bottle of Glenmorangie.
I had to admit to him that I really don’t like whisky and have only ever drunk it to fit in, which seems really bratty and ungrateful, but the flowers I trimmed and put in water, my tally for this year has gone from receiving zero flowers in my life to 3 bouquets.
Over the course of the next 24 hours we talked about many things to do with being transgender and some of what I had gone through while questioning my gender, he called me DeeDee 99% of the time and even said that when he had told his wife about me (something I had expected and was totally fine with) that he had been using she/her pronouns. He is such a genuine sweetheart, and is putting in a massive effort to show me that he is there for me, even though he has so much to cope with already.
He asked lots of very appropriate questions and was quick to point out that someone who takes seratonin because their body does not produce enough of it naturally, or someone who produces too much or too little insulin can get help and is acceptable and for him it is no different. Using medical knowledge to correct a hormone imbalance makes perfect sense. I showed him pictures of me as DeeDee and gave him the link to this blog so if he wants to he can see where my brain has been leapfrogging to over the last couple of years.
The final thing to happen to me recently was that I got a message from my sister asking me not to come out to my mum when I see her this coming week as her emotional state was pretty poor right now. I really wanted to bawl my eyes out because I have been psyching myself up to have, “the talk” with my mum and finally clear the air one way or another, but I know my sister would not have asked me not to if she did not think it was important and so I promised to leave it until after Chrsitmas, I do not want to hurt my mums mental health if I can avoid it, so it will wait a few weeks but I felt gutted that after building myself up the option had been taken away from me. Thanks 2020!
Realistically it will wait till the New Year, I just need the NHS to get on board and who knows, maybe this will be my last Christmas wearing my male Christmas Jumper, perhaps next year, and then every year moving forwards I will get to be myself. I can’t make plans, but I can be ready to take the opportunities as they come along.
I may or may not upload over the next few weeks, it depends how I feel, but I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas or Holiday season and take good care of yourselves. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings and even comment on them sometimes, it really has helped tremendously.