2020 will always be remembered for being the first time I have ever spent Christmas alone.
I could have technically gone to visit one of my sisters but due to the restrictions tightening at midnight she did not want to take the chance which is understandable.
I grew up in a large family and so right up until I was married Christmas was spent at my mums, then I had a wife and children of my own, and even when I had to work which I have had to do more Christmases than not I had something to look forward to when I got home.
As I drove home after hearing the news, I thought about how my kids are with their mum Christmas Day so I will get them for our Christmas on Boxing Day. At 42 I will literally be on my own all day for the first time ever. The thought made me cry, but after a few minutes I thought of the positive – I would be alone for Christmas Day and absolutely certain that no one would visit.
So I ordered myself some slippers and a cosy dressing gown and a new Christmas dress (dressing up for Christmas dinner has always been a family tradition and I am hoping that this will be my last male Christmas).
I had things to do in the morning and a video call with my children but I have decided to make the most of today.
I bought some fizzy bath bombs and at lunchtime today I ran myself a deep relaxing bath and listened to some Christmas tunes, I then shaved my legs, put on my Christmas dress and some sparkly green nails. No messing with makeup or anything else today, I just want to relax.
So I have relaxed! with some mini pancakes covered in melted butter and sugar and I have a book to curl up and read in front of the fire, or depending on my mood, I may watch a Christmas Film later!
Tomorrow will be back to my male costume for 2 weeks so while I get my daughter for a bonus week, DeeDee as I want to be will have to go back into hiding.
I had a horrible dream last night that was actually more of a memory from my mid teens and was a time when was stood on a bridge in the village where I lived and I was considering a permanent solution to feeling down and disconnected, and that got me thinking about statistics and the negatives of being alone at Christmas.
Life has a habit of giving us ups and downs to negotiate, counselling and therapy have helped me a lot to get to the point I am at now, and honestly I hope I am building up some resilience. I have met some fantastic people online and am very fortunate to have support structures in place and people to care about me – even if they are in a different continent and time zone, and I love you all for caring.
I could have moped and moaned about how Christmas alone is not how I planned it and how much I hate having to change my plans all the time because of this stupid pandemic, but you know what?
I am fortunate enough to have my health which is not a guarantee this year for anyone and am working hard on my happiness and wholeness.
I have sparkly nails, sparkly slippers and a festive dress with pockets in it! I am having a lovely physical Christmas, and can look forward to a chaotic Hobbit (2nd) Christmas tomorrow.
I hope that wherever you are and however you spend this time of year that you find some things to find joy in too!