Alone at Christmas

2020 will always be remembered for being the first time I have ever spent Christmas alone.

I could have technically gone to visit one of my sisters but due to the restrictions tightening at midnight she did not want to take the chance which is understandable.

I grew up in a large family and so right up until I was married Christmas was spent at my mums, then I had a wife and children of my own, and even when I had to work which I have had to do more Christmases than not I had something to look forward to when I got home.

As I drove home after hearing the news, I thought about how my kids are with their mum Christmas Day so I will get them for our Christmas on Boxing Day. At 42 I will literally be on my own all day for the first time ever. The thought made me cry, but after a few minutes I thought of the positive – I would be alone for Christmas Day and absolutely certain that no one would visit.

So I ordered myself some slippers and a cosy dressing gown and a new Christmas dress (dressing up for Christmas dinner has always been a family tradition and I am hoping that this will be my last male Christmas).

I had things to do in the morning and a video call with my children but I have decided to make the most of today.

I bought some fizzy bath bombs and at lunchtime today I ran myself a deep relaxing bath and listened to some Christmas tunes, I then shaved my legs, put on my Christmas dress and some sparkly green nails. No messing with makeup or anything else today, I just want to relax.

So I have relaxed! with some mini pancakes covered in melted butter and sugar and I have a book to curl up and read in front of the fire, or depending on my mood, I may watch a Christmas Film later!

Tomorrow will be back to my male costume for 2 weeks so while I get my daughter for a bonus week, DeeDee as I want to be will have to go back into hiding.

I had a horrible dream last night that was actually more of a memory from my mid teens and was a time when was stood on a bridge in the village where I lived and I was considering a permanent solution to feeling down and disconnected, and that got me thinking about statistics and the negatives of being alone at Christmas.

Life has a habit of giving us ups and downs to negotiate, counselling and therapy have helped me a lot to get to the point I am at now, and honestly I hope I am building up some resilience. I have met some fantastic people online and am very fortunate to have support structures in place and people to care about me – even if they are in a different continent and time zone, and I love you all for caring.

I could have moped and moaned about how Christmas alone is not how I planned it and how much I hate having to change my plans all the time because of this stupid pandemic, but you know what?

I am fortunate enough to have my health which is not a guarantee this year for anyone and am working hard on my happiness and wholeness.

I have sparkly nails, sparkly slippers and a festive dress with pockets in it! I am having a lovely physical Christmas, and can look forward to a chaotic Hobbit (2nd) Christmas tomorrow.

I hope that wherever you are and however you spend this time of year that you find some things to find joy in too!

Take care


Sparkly Slippers! Naughty girl putting them up on the sofa…

4 thoughts on “Alone at Christmas

  1. DeeDee I love your dress, hosiery and slippers! Chic! Love the watch too.

    I am glad you have made the most of the day and took care of yourself. Good for you girl!! The tradeoff to have your daughter there for a while will be worth its as I know you’ll enjoy having her there.

    I too have met some fantastic people since embarking on this personal journey of discovery and you have all made my life richer. Thank you!

    Life can always be worse than it is and you see this. I’m happy for you and the joy you’ve found. Keep plugging away. You’re doing well and I am happy for you. You have a beautiful smile!

    Hugs, Judi

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Heehee, thank you Judi, my day passed incredibly quickly. I am excited to spend time with my children even though by now they will be constantly bickering and getting annoyed with the way the other one breathes in that way that only teens can do! Thank you for your kindness and continued support 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Merry Xmas to you, DeeDee, and I hope Second Christmas goes well (loving the film reference, BTW).

    “…I thought of the positives…”

    Sometimes, I think that’s what we need to focus on. What’s gone well and what/who we have at a particular time.

    We didn’t have any family around to visit and with both kids being into their teens, they have their own social lives (albeit online given the holiday restrictions). That’s not to say Christmas wasn’t a hoot, as it meant we could get out for a walk (rather than be on guest duty), and lunch was more relaxed.

    Good luck for 2021 and also with Dad Duties in the coming days.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Lynn! All in all considering what has been going on in the world I believe I have actually had a pretty good year. I have managed to face up to a few of my major fears and deal with a lot of worries and emotions through my counselling sessions, believe it or not I actually don’t share everything in my posts lol. I am glad you had yourself a nice and relaxed Christmas, and wish you all the best for this coming year too.

      Liked by 2 people

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