This week was my final appointment with my work therapist, I have decided that I am in a much better place now than when we started, and while things are not excellent, they are as good as I can expect them to be for a while.
It was good to take stock and realise that when we started I spent three whole sessions just dumping out everything I had been dealing with, and yet none of that was trans related. Obviously some of it fed in, because I was trying to understand who I am. After being torn down and dismantled I had to dig into my own sense of self to discover what aspects of myself were genuine.
I try to be kind, loving and faithful to my friends and family. I seek to be as honest as i can without being hurtful and mediate wherever possible because as an outsider who moved around a lot I have usually have the ability to offer a different perspective to most of the people I know who grew up in a single area. I am passionate about the people and things that I care about and undeniably geeky, wanting people to like me is not a bad thing, but relying on that to give me worth has caused me far too much hurt.
I have wonderful children, wonderful sisters and am fortunate enough to know I have some wonderful friends. In all of these things I am extremely wealthy, even though I have very little income. I love swimming, and reading all sorts of books, I love watching films that make other people cringe because they are so cheesy or badly acted, I love playing and watching D&D and I loved playing ultimate, mountain biking and jogging when I used to do those things. I also love getting my nails done and going clothes shopping and I suspect I wil love trying on new wigs too.
As DeeDee I want to be able to breakout of my homemade prison, I want to become more active and more connected with the people I care about. I want to look after myself and care about myself.
I know I will lose some people who’s learned concept of life just doesn’t allow me to exist, but I also know that I have spent the last 2 or so years talking to professionals and doing my own research to know that this is not something I am making up. I also know I will also be able to rely on others who will defend my right to be me.
I genuinely don’t believe that most people are educated to the sheer level of fear and worry that has to be overcome to openly transition, it impacts every facet of our lives, quite often the whole idea of coming out to people is terrifying simply because we are changing the T’s and C’s of the relationship and can never know if folk will continue merrily on or just walk away and leave. The fact that each and every trans person has to make these discovery for themselves, and then work through their own personal issues of institutional transphobia makes me more and more grateful that I have the internet and a relatively accepting medical care team to access.
The good news for me is that I am starting to get to a place where the need to change outweighs the fear of rejection. For as slow as I am taking things, I am excited and optimistic about where I will be in a year or so’s time. Big changes are definitely coming.