Do you believe it now?

I love the original matrix film. Just after the helicopter shootout to rescue Morphius when Neo grabs the bungee cord and rescues Trinity she gets asked if she believes that he is The One while Neo is still in denial and simply acting on instinct.

I feel like I know who I am and am simply waiting for my appointments to get going. I am still wondering how to explain it to the clinic that acts as the gatekeeper between HRT and myself – I want them to believe in what I already fundamentally know!

I have actually started watching transition timeline videos again for the first time in a long time. Inwardly sighing at these women in their early 20’s who always look stunning even before they’ve started taking hormones and usually stop wearing wigs once their hair gets long enough…

I caught myself getting quite jealous, many of the ones I’ve watched seem to transition socially and then complain about being misgendered until they get to about 12 months on HRT. I know it is a case of the grass always being greener, deliberate misgendering is something I know I will face as I live in a very conservative area, not by everyone of course but enough that I know I will get my feelings hurt. No, for me the jealousy stems from them getting over the hurdle of telling everyone they care about and finally being able to just be themselves in front of their friends and family. I used to think that I would start this process after I had managed to get hair removal and as late as possible after starting hormones to minimise the amount of time where I was looking really androgynous. Now that isn’t important to me. I want to be myself and I want to be seen by those I love. Getting divorced and ironically being in the middle of a worldwide pandemic has stopped the hair removal dead, appointments have slowed down but I am slowly moving through the system. Yet not being able to go anywhere and be myself has made me missing those little pressure release moments so much that it has really reinforced that I am on the right path. It has also made me realise just how precious and short life is, I have spent so much time and energy worrying about other people’s opinions or whether me transitioning will hurt or upset them that it has genuinely made me lose sleep and cry tears into my pillow.

Now I know that while I will still worry about the reactions it is really more important for me to just be authentic.and show my children by doing that they should be loved for who they are and not change to try to fit in with other people.

Transitioning at work is a different kettle of fish and an issue that I only want to deal with once I have actually dealt with the people I genuinely love and care about. It impacts my ability to pay my bills as well as tying me to where I live so obviously it is a HR discussion that will probably be started in boy mode and then finished in girl mode.

Overall I am trying to plan out how to talk to the people I know sooner rather than later. It is almost like psyching myself up for the conversations, but I know that I am not as worried as I once was to have these conversations. I found myself considering telling my ex and her mother in law while dropping my daughter off, but decided against it as I want to tell my children first and they will pretty much be the last to know before I start to tell my work.

My daughter who is in her early teens shaved her mid back length hair the other day as a way to raise money for a cancer support charity (I am so proud of her!) and we spent time looking at some fun wigs together which was a lot of fun, her mum has also gone back to wearing wigs after reacting to Crohns medication she was on, and a FB friend was recently diagnosed with alopecia and was talking about her hairloss and shaving, so I have had a great reinforcement over the last week about the normality of cis women buying and wearing wigs.

Oddly enough this morning for no apparent reason I was trying to think how to explain being trans to my ex father in law (he is my childrens only grandad left and I see him more than my ex these days) and found myself thinking it was a lot like being a Skoda – everyone calls you a Skoda, you are marketed as Skoda, you get lumped in with all of the other Skodas and have to listen to the jokes about Skodas (possibly just a UK thing) but actually on the inside you are a VW and just want to be recognised as a VW. He’s a car nut/mechanic while I know nothing about cars and hopefully will get that analogy but bless him he is such an introvert that I doubt he will ask any questions and will probably just avoid me.

It will be interesting to see if I make and follow any plan at all, or simply act intuitively which is how the majority of my coming out conversations have happened so far!

Take care

XX

4 thoughts on “Do you believe it now?

  1. Hi DeeDee,

    I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be in your situation: finally taking major steps toward your authenticity only to find your efforts stymied by the pandemic. The worries and stresses must be very hard to bear.

    About talking to others, loved ones, friends, and yes, HR and colleagues: have you considered writing your own FAQ? And then, as you do come out to others adding new questions that come up? It helped me to have done this. It felt empowering because I didn’t have to feel so on the spot, trying to come up with sincere and articulate sentences while feeling the normal pressures of these emotional moments.

    If I may, I suggest writing these all (at least the answers) out in longhand, to help you install them in your memory. You might even consider speaking them out loud by yourself, not only to practice but also to help yourself prepare to hold your head high, with body language that’s both open, calm, and friendly, but also steadfast and sure.

    Emma

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    1. Thank you for the wonderful suggestion Emma, I think I will spend this week making a couple of rough lists, one for what I want to ask the Gender team I need to speak to in order to get on HRT and then another one to have handy for when I reintroduce myself to those I haven’t told yet. X

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  2. DeeDee I don’t believe you will have a tough time convincing the GIC people. You have been on a forum for quite some time where you have been free to discuss your feelings. Its sort of like free counseling in a way. You are quite well balanced.

    The pandemic has pushed many activities aside and hair removal is certainly one. It has restarted in my area so hopefully you can too soon. Watching videos of others journeys can a double edge sword as they can be inspiring and depressing. As long as you stay aware that each journey is personal you will be fine. Treat it as entertainment more than anything.

    I would focus on talking to your children’s mother alone, one on one. She can relate it to her MIL if she desires. Having an disinterested third party there is a recipe for trouble in my opinion. As I have noted previously I think your children will be fine. Yes you will always be their father, that is your role in their lives. But you are also a person, as they are with independent feelings and needs. Your daughter sounds like a caring and empathetic young woman. Your analogy would probably work well when speaking with your FIL.

    I would also not worry about your work too much. I understand you have spoken with a work related counselor and haven’t gotten any negative vibes. They would be crazy to want to lose a younger person such as yourself, plus it would seem to go against the company policies.

    You have a lot on your mind but this is common at this stage. Don’t fret, you seem to be doing well in balancing this and the demands of everyday life. I really like Emma’s suggestion. Committing it to paper in long hand is even better.

    I hope the rest of your weekend is a good one.
    Cheers, Judi

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    1. Thanks for the advice Judi. I had stopped watching transition videos for ages but have just started up again while waiting for my appointment. I obviously want things to go as smoothly as possible and while I can’t control everything, I know there are some things I need to avoid and slightly better ways of telling some people compared to others. 🙂

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