I love the original matrix film. Just after the helicopter shootout to rescue Morphius when Neo grabs the bungee cord and rescues Trinity she gets asked if she believes that he is The One while Neo is still in denial and simply acting on instinct.
I feel like I know who I am and am simply waiting for my appointments to get going. I am still wondering how to explain it to the clinic that acts as the gatekeeper between HRT and myself – I want them to believe in what I already fundamentally know!
I have actually started watching transition timeline videos again for the first time in a long time. Inwardly sighing at these women in their early 20’s who always look stunning even before they’ve started taking hormones and usually stop wearing wigs once their hair gets long enough…
I caught myself getting quite jealous, many of the ones I’ve watched seem to transition socially and then complain about being misgendered until they get to about 12 months on HRT. I know it is a case of the grass always being greener, deliberate misgendering is something I know I will face as I live in a very conservative area, not by everyone of course but enough that I know I will get my feelings hurt. No, for me the jealousy stems from them getting over the hurdle of telling everyone they care about and finally being able to just be themselves in front of their friends and family. I used to think that I would start this process after I had managed to get hair removal and as late as possible after starting hormones to minimise the amount of time where I was looking really androgynous. Now that isn’t important to me. I want to be myself and I want to be seen by those I love. Getting divorced and ironically being in the middle of a worldwide pandemic has stopped the hair removal dead, appointments have slowed down but I am slowly moving through the system. Yet not being able to go anywhere and be myself has made me missing those little pressure release moments so much that it has really reinforced that I am on the right path. It has also made me realise just how precious and short life is, I have spent so much time and energy worrying about other people’s opinions or whether me transitioning will hurt or upset them that it has genuinely made me lose sleep and cry tears into my pillow.
Now I know that while I will still worry about the reactions it is really more important for me to just be authentic.and show my children by doing that they should be loved for who they are and not change to try to fit in with other people.
Transitioning at work is a different kettle of fish and an issue that I only want to deal with once I have actually dealt with the people I genuinely love and care about. It impacts my ability to pay my bills as well as tying me to where I live so obviously it is a HR discussion that will probably be started in boy mode and then finished in girl mode.
Overall I am trying to plan out how to talk to the people I know sooner rather than later. It is almost like psyching myself up for the conversations, but I know that I am not as worried as I once was to have these conversations. I found myself considering telling my ex and her mother in law while dropping my daughter off, but decided against it as I want to tell my children first and they will pretty much be the last to know before I start to tell my work.
My daughter who is in her early teens shaved her mid back length hair the other day as a way to raise money for a cancer support charity (I am so proud of her!) and we spent time looking at some fun wigs together which was a lot of fun, her mum has also gone back to wearing wigs after reacting to Crohns medication she was on, and a FB friend was recently diagnosed with alopecia and was talking about her hairloss and shaving, so I have had a great reinforcement over the last week about the normality of cis women buying and wearing wigs.
Oddly enough this morning for no apparent reason I was trying to think how to explain being trans to my ex father in law (he is my childrens only grandad left and I see him more than my ex these days) and found myself thinking it was a lot like being a Skoda – everyone calls you a Skoda, you are marketed as Skoda, you get lumped in with all of the other Skodas and have to listen to the jokes about Skodas (possibly just a UK thing) but actually on the inside you are a VW and just want to be recognised as a VW. He’s a car nut/mechanic while I know nothing about cars and hopefully will get that analogy but bless him he is such an introvert that I doubt he will ask any questions and will probably just avoid me.
It will be interesting to see if I make and follow any plan at all, or simply act intuitively which is how the majority of my coming out conversations have happened so far!