I think I had decided not to bother writing anything until after my appointment on Monday, but I am feeling so totally at odds with myself this week I decided it might actually do me good to just get it out of my system.
I have been eating healthily for a month now, cutting out processed foods, eating salad and fruit and re-introducing breakfast, but aiming to stick somewhere between 1200-1500 calories a day, and for the most part I have managed by recording everything I eat, including chocolate bars or the entire 1200 odd calorie frozen pizza (that says you’re only supposed to eat 0.25 of it? Like who does that with frozen pizza?)
I am stuttering in my exercise and have not found the energy to go back out for my couch to 5k’s, my sleeping patterns are atrocious again so some days I barely make 2000 steps because I really just alternate between my bed, the kitchen, and my PC. I bought a digital scale which connects to my phone to tell me my body fat and bmi as well as weight but the damn thing is useless, half the time it won’t settle on a weight at all and when it does it fluctuates wildly which only makes me feel worse. I was at 224 lbs, over time while it bounces up and down I had consistently gotten it down to 192 lbs, but then yesterday it said I was back up at 215 and today 206. I know the scale isn’t the be all and end all but knowing I was finally back under that 200 number was helping to motivate me. I did eat two doubledecker chocolate bars but I’m pretty sure a bar of chocolate wont make me put on 23lbs overnight. I don’t want to spend more money on scales but I need them to at least be consistent with whatever weight they say I am! According to the NHS my ideal weight is somewhere between 8 and 11 stone (112-154 lbs) but I don’t know if I have weighed even close to that since my school years!!
All of this is deliberate – I am starting to care about myself and I want to be able to wear the clothes that I want to wear, and I want to look and feel good when I do, I have been a UK XL my entire adult and married life. If I want to be more confident with who I am, feeling good about myself will help with that, my appetite has already started shrinking back to normal levels which is good. I just wish I could trick my brain into thinking that this appointment on Monday is not really important, I want to presuade my inner monologue that this is simply just another discussion with someone about my gender dysphoria, but I know the reason I am willing to risk being spotted by my son in girl mode for the meeting is because this is the remnants of the gatekeeping style of diagnosis at work. I need this psychologist to agree with my counsellor in order for my local gender identity clinic to prescribe estrogen and/or T blockers. Ultimately I know that she will, if someone was going to tell me I wasn’t trans then it would have happened by now, since early 2019 I have spoken to 4 different people, 3 of whom are proffessional counsellors and none of them have done anything but agree that I am dysphoric and would benefit from transitioning in order to be myself. What’s one more person?
I am also still hating the fact that I am waiting to talk to my mum in person, the logic hasn’t changed, and therefore it still makes sense to do this in person where I can talk to her and maybe show her a couple of YT videos to help her understand. Even if she doesn’t and just tells me I am throwing my life away to be a laughing stock, she will be less hostile than if she only found out after I have told all my friends (having a close family is great, until they moan about who gets told about something happening first or last!) But it is so annoying, I want to tell my friends, I want to start being myself openly in more areas of my life and I am waiting for this bottleneck to clear so I can move on with my life. I was lucky enough to have another dream where I was DeeDee last night though, I was out for dinner with my son and my friends and their girls in the city where they live. Whistful thinking, but it was just before I woke up and no amount of trying could get me back to sleep and back to my dream!
I am sure come Monday afternoon I will no longer be a mental mess, either I will have another appointment to talk about being trans in more detail, or (more hopefully but less realistically) confirmation that I will get the green light for the GIC to start my HRT.
Hopefully that will help me sleep tonight now!