Smashing through the roadblock

Anyone who has read my ramblings for any length of time will know that since discovering I am trans, one of the biggest worries has been how my mum would react. I was all set to tell her at Christmas but then we were sent back into lockdown and I just could not come out to her over the phone or via video chat.

As restrictions started to ease my mum asked if she could come up for her Birthday and if I could organise a famiy meal to celebrate, restrictions mean we still could not all go out to dinner, but my house has plenty of garden space so I volunteered to host a BBQ for her birthday. As her Birthday is towards the end of the week I was worried about ruining it by talking to her, but then my sisters’s could only do this weekend just past due to other commitments so I needn’t have worried.

Her Birthday celebration went really well, those who could, came and we all got mildly sunburnt as even the weather played a long for us. My sister’s giving me big hugs and encouragement as they knew what I wanted to do…

My son went back to school on Monday morning and so I was weighing up my options about when would be a good time when the school phoned and asked me to come and collect him as he was feeling unwell. I brought him home and sent him to bed for a nap as really I think he is just stressed out and not sleeping well, and made a nice tuna salad for our lunch, while we were chatting my mum asked how my counselling was going (she knows I have been seeing someone but did not know why and assumed it was due to my marriage ending or just being messed up by something in our family history) and so I decided that this was the best chance I was going to get.

I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I’d realised that almost all of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be, literally since dad died when I was 17 I have tried to be the man everyone told me to be and have always felt like a failure and just not right. I tried to be my dad, and the man of the house, I tried to be a husband and a father, but for all my trying none of it was ever good enough. I realised once my ex left that I genuinely had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I’d realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and had always felt more comfortable in womens spaces and when I was doing what we had been taught were typically womens roles growing up. I said that the right word for someone who felt like me was transgender and that it was my intention to transition at some point and finally be myself. I did not  know if she would understand or not but I really needed to tell her. 

She had not said a word the whole time I had talked but had just sat listening while she ate, but she looked at me and said, “long before you were a teenager you had been running around in my high heels, you have always been really effeminate, I thought you going to tell me you were gay!” 

She assured me that she loved me and supported me and I just burst into tears of relief as we hugged.

It really could not have gone better.

I mentioned how long I had wanted to tell her and how worried I was about her side of the family, she mentally ticked off those whom she thought will be fine (they match my thoughts) she assured me that she would walk away from them long before she would ever walk away from me and that she loved me and always knew I was special.

My son chose that moment to come through so there was much hurried wiping of tears with kitchen towels and life went back to normal for a wee while.

As I suspected she was mildly annoyed that she was the last to know as she could have been supporting me from the start but understood why I had told my sisters first, and admitted that if she hadn’t watched a few programs on being trans, a few years ago she would have struggled (she had seen a documentary where they showed that trans men and womens brain scans were the same or closer to cis men and womens than the gender they had been raised as.)

We hugged lots more over the day but it is such a huge relief to not be keeping this secret from her, now when she asks how I am getting on I can finally be totally honest with her again.

Knowing I have her support is just an incredible feeling, I told her I was going to need it, but by the end of the day I was just physically and emotionally totally wiped out.

I have said that I don’t want to overload her but if she has any questions that I would do my best to answer them. I stressed that the kids (and my ex) do not know yet, and that now I have told her I can feel okay about talking to my work and moving forwards, she has already volunteered to let me stay with her if I need to move away but have nowhere to go to.

I am still in shock at how accepting she has been, and just feel so incredibly lucky to know that my immediate family all know and are all pretty accepting. It will make socially transitioning so much easier for me now, and I can even start to finally tell my friends!

Honestly I just can’t stop smiling . Yay!!!!

Take care

xxx

6 thoughts on “Smashing through the roadblock

    1. Her biggest gripe is that I felt I could not go to her first… I had to be honest and say that’s because I needed a safety net in case she rejected me. So nice to finally be free of secrets though!

      Like

      1. Yes, secrets have a not always pleasant hold on us.

        I think I get the different points of view. It’s not an easy thing to come out. It’s a risk.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Hello DeeDee. Thank you for this wonderful report. Deep inside I felt your Mum would be all right and she’s shown you that her love for you is paramount. Now you are free to move onward, particularly knowing your closest family is with you. As you know there will be challenges moving forward but they will all be met and conquered. I know you have the will to be the best you can be and that is the result you will achieve. All my best to you dear.
    Judi

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi DeeDee, it sounds great, I am very happy for you. I have found intuition is a good way of feeling out when is a good to for coming out, and it looks like yours served you well. Stephie

    Liked by 1 person

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