I took some time off work recently to ensure I was able to come down the road for a long weekend.
After dropping the kids off at their grannies I waited a couple of hrs for my ex to show up, but she didn’t so now I am getting frustrated with trying to tell her I am trans face to face and may well just send her a text message and suggest she rings if she wants to talk about it.
I went and caught up with a friend and her partner who had recently found out and after a cup of coffee and as a way to offer her support she invited me to change at hers so I could spend time as Dee, an hour or so later after being complimented on my hair choice and the naturalness of my voice I left their home and went to the house of the friends I was staying with.
Again this was the first time they had seen me, but I went to school with the husband and have known them both for years and being paid the compliment by his wife that it was so natural and nice to be talking to me that she wished I had come out years ago, I had to agree. Their children are ages with mine and their son said hi and goodnight as he went through the room, and their daughter sat and chatted with us for ages but without conversation being strained or odd. Their youngest daughter is 3 and had no issues using she/her pronouns naturally for me, which melted my heart.
The next morning I was up and dressed before the 3 year old came downstairs, and she played with me and said she liked my hair.
Later I played disc golf with friends and then went to my sisters for a dinner and ended up staying the night at hers, but again the whole day I was treated normally and called Dee.
Another friend had messaged the ladies of the group (including me, something which has happened long before I realised I was trans) to say she was up for the day and did anyone want to meet at the local playpark for the afternoon before going for dinner.
I messaged and asked if she would be okay with me coming as Dee, not because she would be offended or upset, but because I wanted to give her the option of speaking to her daughter and I did not want to overshadow the conversation making it about me instead of my friend. In the end I went as myself, the one other person who had turned up did not know about me but was immediately accepting and gave me a huge hug.
My friends daughter shouted that I should take my wig off immediately and asked why I was dressed as a woman. I said that I was keeping my hair and that woman have all the best clothes. She proceeded to call me uncle DeeDee, gave me a massive cuddle and then ran off to play with her friends. Later on when we were going into the restraunt for food she again mentioned my wig and I asked her to not say it so loud as it sounded mean and I didn’t want to get sad, when we were sat at the table I explained that I still loved her to bits and that I had realised that my outsides did not match how I felt on the inside and this was my way of fixing it. After that she had no more questions and called me DeeDee without any issues, and even drew me the cutest picture. I think the situation was handled well as I still got lots of hugs before leaving later.
Another friend joined us for dinner and although she had found out recently this was also the first time she had seen me. She was amazing and chatty as she is naturally and we talked about getting to this point and the likely changes starting E, and she confessed she was a little sad when she found out, she liked male me but was really saddened that it had taken me this long to feel I could be open with them. I agreed, but said that while I regreetted not doing this 20 years ago, I wasn’t ready, and would probably have had a horrible life in our small town that used to beat people up for being mildly camp let alone openly gay.
We spent ages talking outside the restraunt but she was excited for the first time we can go out on the town for a ladies night, and I can’t wait either!
No one treated me differently in so far as I was still the friend they had known for years, with all of the comfortableness that comes from having a lot of shared history, but there was a definite difference in the conversation and topics that was not there before, certainly things that would not be talked about around the guys. I felt so completely relaxed and comfortable that I really didnt want to have to come home and go back to boy mode.
Though I told one of my friends that I do not resent past me, he has done well and gotten me through a lot of shit in my life, for now he is semi retired until I can sort out a job where I can be myself and then I will retire him completely and just embrace and enjoy being myself.
One of the biggest revelations of the time away was my sister pointing out to me that when I first arrived at hers my voice was obviously falsetto pitched and fake sounding, but once I relaxed she said I started using a more feminine voice naturally. I talked about deliberately pitching myself higher to make a place for dropping down after a while and practice, but made an effort the rest of the weekend to use my normal voice but without the resonance and so many people mentioned it assuming that I had started estrogen and part of taking it was that my voice had gotten higher.
I checked with my voice pitch analyser this morning and my voice was naturally in the 204Hz range and was ranging between 169-244Hz. This seems comfortable to hold and thanks to my sister has just sort of clicked into place this weekend. I was not embarrassed to talk to waiting staff, shop assistants, children or friends and other than anyone in earshot of my goddaughters excited shouts about my wig I do not think I was clocked or noticed all weekend.
My Estradot prescription has finally arrived in the post and I cannot wait to go down the road and fill it on Friday and start to physically become the me I know I am, topping up twice a week for the forseeable future 💕