Pros and Cons

I am just home after one of my now fortnightly visits for electrolysis, and as weekends go, I would consider this a good one.

There have been a few moments today that have made me stop and think about how far I have come, and it’s made me think about some of the pros and cons to my transitioning so far.

Pro:

I have swapping between a casual m/f presentation down to a fine art. I have a carrier bag behind the drivers side with my purse in it and by taking off my jacket/hoody and quickly throwing my hair on I can choose to change presentation without even slowing down if I wanted to.

Con:

It’s a 3 hr drive to get down to my session and with the hike in fuel prices it is costing me hundreds per month in diesel. Stopping in laybys and using public loos to change gets old quickly and there is always the paranioa that someone will come in and see you at the most inopportune moment. I also spend so much time driving and just attending electrolysis, I rarely get to wear nice shoes/dressy outfits or boots and so I don’t really own any (I never get to be the princess! lol).

Pro:

I am seeing my friends and family every time I come down. I stopped in at the friends I told last week and got given a lovely pair of denim summer shorts (that I hope to be too big for me come summer lol) and messaged the girl group to see if anyone fancied meeting up the next day. I feel more connected now to my friends than I have in years. The relationships I cherish don’t really seem to be all that affected, other than somehow becoming deeper as folks get to see behind my mask.

Con:

My son loves staying at my ex MIL’s. She has offered me a spare room whenever I need one, and is always pleasant when I am there, but while I am genuinely pleased to foster his relationship with his granny and I know he feels comfortable spending time chilling out there, it just feels weird staying at your exes mums house.

Pro:

The electrolysis is definitely having an impact. I hadn’t shaved since my last session 2 weeks ago and was actually still quite content to walk around without a mask as myself without feeling like I stood out. (though I still wore my mask indoors) The sessions are also getting slightly shorter, it only took 3.5 hrs to clear my whole face.

Con:

Halfway done

Electrolysis hurts! Even with the lidocaine cream. To distract myself, I dig my fingernails into my hands and wrists everytime I get zapped and so I end up with red marks on my arms as well as my face the next day. Even if it seems ok to me, when my top lip is done tears pop out of my eyes, and the nerves under my jaw are always sore. Some sessions seem to nip more than others and this was a nippy one. The electrolgist also thinks my neck seems to be too red and so I spent a fortune on a serum she has suggested which will in theory help it recover quicker – I’ve spent years with a red irritated neck, every time I shaved, so I am hoping it goes away when the hair does if not before.

Pro:

As I have stated before, I am finally starting to notice a slight physical difference, HRT is working mentally, emotionally and physically, it is not all bra padding that is giving me my shape now. While I have no guarantees I am hoping that I will be satisfied with whatever cup size I end up with over the next few years, I just want to look proportionate for my size, and it does give me a lift to know that things are starting to happen.

Con:

Actual mini cleavage!

Boob stubble. Seriously, when will my body hair take the hint! I shave daily, but make a point of clearing it when I am out and about as Dee. From a distance I think it is not too noticeable, but you can always see the hairs coming through up close, and by the end of the day I’m pretty certain I could strike a match on my chest. If I don’t shave for a few days it really impacts and lowers my mood.

Pro: My confidence has skyrocketed since those first couple of panicked walks outside. Today I was in what I consider to be my hometown for the whole day and was not worried, I called over a sales assistant and bought trainers for my son, we walked around the high street, sat and had lunch unmasked in the middle of the city centre BK, I ordered and drank coffee, used the rest rooms when needed and got to spend a couple of hours catching up with a friend, then went to the cinema before heading home and getting fuel on the way. Things I would never have dared to do a couple of years ago despite being desperate to.

Con:

There is always a little part of me waiting to be called out. I find a tiny part of me is always trying to gauge if the looks around me are normal, or if someone’s smiling, laughing or conversation is aimed in my direction, are they taking a second look? I can’t help but wonder if I am going to blunder into a serious situation, or worse have to handle one in front of my son.

Pro:

I have now had 3 online meetings with somewhere that I really want to move to and feel positive about the most recent one, they are moving cautiously but each new contact is a positive step and they haven’t said no yet. I just hope that they can recognise what I have to offer and are not overshadowed by the fear/fact that I am trans.

Con:

My son realised today that I am considering changing jobs if things do not work out before I need to go full time rather than be stuck and outcast where I am. He was worrying about it all the way home. While I told him it is simply a back up plan and they are good to have, I don’t want him taking on my problems. He has enough to deal with.

Pro: I have one friend couple left that I like but rarely see that I want to come out to before I have run out of friends to tell and am at the high risk friend/work colleague stage. By now I am able to be myself around just about everyone I care about, and every single one without fail has has been 100% supportive so far, whether from a distance or up close and in person, with the coldest response being, “I don’t get it, but do whatever makes you happpy”.

Con:

I am still having to hide myself, and switching back to male presentation almost physically hurts some days. When driving home or to the Ex MIL’s l find myself dreading and preparing mentally for the moment that I have to stop presenting as Dee for the outside world and it gets harder and harder to do. I am also currently trying to figure out how to actually come out on my social media and weather the responses which will likely be an even mixture of positive, finally! WTF! defriending and offers to pray for me and interventions to save me from myself. If I haven’t got somewhere to move to it could make my life and that of my kids very uncomfortable, it is also something I have no control over. If I could come off social media completely I probably would, but I can’t – it’s the only real time way to communicate with a lot of people I care about, so at some point word will get out and I will have to put something up.

Pro:

I consider this a really good weekend! I’m closer than ever to having a smooth face, my son not only enjoys spending time with me, but today out of nowhere he said that he sees me as not just his parent but his best friend too. (I melted) He did want to go to the cinema after I’d met my friend/s for coffee, but in my mind the two are not linked. (We did go btw and Sonic 2 is just as full of nostalgia and Carrey comedy as the first one was). I see most of the cons I have as temporary and and not even close to measuring up to the pros.

Con:

I still have a long way to go until I am just living my life and I know that there are plenty more things to overcome in my future, but really name one adult who can honestly say that they have it all together!

Take care

XX

2 thoughts on “Pros and Cons

  1. Wow what an all encompassing post. I believe the pro’s far outweigh the con’s. And as you note the con’s are temporary. Don’t fret about your sone enjoying time at his grandmothers. Most children do, I know I did!

    Hugs,
    Judi

    Liked by 1 person

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