Life has been quiet the last few weeks.
I have been going to my electrolysis appointments and they are going well, slow, but well. I do not shave my face in between my fortnightly appointments any more because there just isn’t a need to, though my neck is almost constantly red and irritated but that has been the story of my adult life.
No news about being able to move yet either, but in this case, no news is not bad news, so I just have to be patient and keep waiting.
A lot of transitioning seems to be massive periods of waiting for other people and doing nothing punctuated by small moments of intense fear and panic as some important step has to be taken!
My latest GIC appointment went well, there was a student doctor, something I always say yes to given the severe shortage of proffessionals and the length of the waiting lists. I got over my embarrassment about talking in front of a stranger a long time ago.
Even though she had taken them herself, she could not find my blood test results from my last visit in the system, so in the end though we discussed putting my my estrogen patch up to a higher dose again, and adding spironolactone to surpress my testosterone levels, no desicion was made, they will give me a ring in a week or so and send my prescription out based on our discussion.
It’s odd being 80-90% out and then not able to go further forward simply because of other people. If I could I would be myself all the time, if I could I would already have changed my name and started the process of getting all my official documents changed, but I can’t and so I have to make the most of what I can do. I still dress around the house, I still regularly underdress, but now that is more because I have been slowly replacing my M wardrobe items such as socks, underwear and tee shirts with F labelled clothing.
The single best thing I get do to is chat with my friends though, whether it is just messaging, or actually being able to sit and see them online, it lets me relax for a few hours and just be myself. The other night one of the biggest repeated compliments I got in our group chat was just how much more I am smiling now. From their perspective, their acceptance of me is such a little and natural thing, but it means the world to me and they are a big part of why I am so much more comfortable in my skin!
One of my friends also asked how long I will be able to keep living a split life because it must be exhausting; while I said that I would do it as long as I have to I had to concede that she was right, it is exhausting. I am so ready to move forwards, as scary as some things will be, the comfort and peace I have when I can be myself is just such a solid indication that I am on the right path.