Now that the summer holidays have arrived my son has gone off to his mum’s for a couple of weeks. It was meant to be my turn to have them for the first half of the school holidays this year, but unsurprisingly she signed my youngest up for something without checking with me first and invited my son down to hers for a week, given the hundreds of miles between us it made no sense to make the kids spend half of their summer bouncing between us, so I swapped and said I would have them for the 2nd half again. They don’t need to pay for my ex being selfish.
I did get to spend a full day out as myself with friends recently, I was quite nervous because I knew my ex was in the area, also it is basically my home town and there are still plenty of people who do not know who I really am, but as I thought about it (and asked a friend) the likelihood of my ex wandering around town was quite low, and she would be more likely to recognise my friends than me, but it is still the closest I have come to being in the same place as her while I’m out as myself.
We were playing a phone based treasure hunt. You have a team with a maximum of 6 people, and then the phone has various locations geocoded into it that you must go and investigate, solving puzzles along the way to get clues and extra time. As each game is themed differently the organisers also encourage dressing up. The theme for this one was C.S.I and although the weather was typical Scottish drizzle for most of the time we were out it was so much fun!
This was the first time I had been brave enough to attend one of these events as myself, and while I have always loved fancy dress, this is not the most flattering of outfits.
I had received laser for 2.5 hrs the night before so my face was red and swollen. I feel bloated, fat and ugly and yet somehow these few hours snatched for myself are so precious.
I had been invited to stay over at a friends house and it was great to relax and catch up with them and not have to change and put “him” back on for their benefit.
I am going back for electrolysis on Tuesday so I couldn’t shave off what was left and for me my whiskers are still very visible, even though thankfully most of the ones left are white.
Once we got into town, knowing I had facial hair made me incredibly self conscious that everyone was glancing at me and commenting on me, but as we were waiting in a coffee shop for the team to arrive it was far more likely that they were doing exactly what I was doing and simply people watching.
My friend is great, by the conversation we had in the car on the way home, it was clear that she had picked up on some, if not all of my discomfort during parts of the day (not surprising given her chosen profession) and had not made a big deal of it.
Knowing that someone fully supports you makes such a big difference during those little panic attacks. If I want to talk about something specifically to do with being trans than we will, otherwise we are just friends.
The big thing for me though is that I feel safe.
When we were in the coffee shop, when we were walking down the high street, when we were speaking to the random people who stopped us and asked why we were all dressed up, even when we went to the loos to change and the men went in theirs and us ladies went in ours, it did not get mentioned by anyone, but I know my friends would have been there to stand up for me if someone did make a comment or say something mean.
I may be fine going out on my own and even used to it, but I usually go out of my way to blend in, to be as smooth skinned as possible, to look like the other women; but when you are dressed in a bright white boiler suit with 3 other people, blending in is not an option, but because of my friends the only thing I worried about the whole day was my ex.
I travelled home and on a whim stopped and bought some nails in the supermarket, I love the look, the magpie in me definitely likes the sparkling glitter, but am not convinced that they are even remotely practical for day to day use. While I can type and use a mouse easily enough, using my phone and putting the dishwasher on are not straight forward activities. Worse, I feel like Edward Scizzor Hands when I’m getting changed or going to the toilet I’m literally taking my life in my hands! Having had them on for 24 hrs, while I know I can’t pop to the shop due to my circumstances it is funny how quick I have gotten used to them and made adjustments to how I pick things up or go to hold anything. I love pretty nails, but all things considered I think that these ones are more hassle than they’re worth, I am already thinking of taking them off even though I could keep them on for a couple more days. I do not see long fake nails playing much of a part in my future!
I was able to pick up some of my new Estrogen patches, these ones are huge, and I have to put them on my bum cheek instead of my tummy, but they don’t leave as much of a mark when I swap them out. The injection was in the same area and was also pretty painful, but worth it if it drops my T levels, I cant say that I feel any difference other than having a bruise, but things are going well and when I go back in 3 months there will hopefully be a noticeable difference.