Occam’s Razor

I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about whether or not I NEED to transition.

My brain and my heart tell me that as I take these small steps into exploring Dee that they feel so natural and so totally normal that being Transgender makes sense.

The Occam’s Razor theory has this definition: “Suppose there exist two explanations for an occurrence. In this case the one that requires the least speculation is usually correct.”

Ok.

So, one explanation is that this is all in my head – that I am the guy that I grew up trying to be and no amount of self flagellation or mental or physical gymnastics will change that – I just have to learn to accept myself.

That explanation requires me to go looking for mental health problems that should be impacting all of the other areas of my life too, it means I have to come up with other reasons for looking into why I feel more comfortable presenting in the gender I was not assigned at birth, other reasons for the fact that I have always struggled with the concept of what it means to “be a man” and generally try shoehorning an awful lot of maybes and if’s into one or more mental health conditions. My “shame” and secrecy are simply results of my subconscious trying to tell me to stop (or something like that).

The other explanation is that I am transgender. I question my assigned gender so I probably am. The mantra announced all over the internet.

It makes sense of the way I think about the world, the initial instincts I have to respond to situations. The way I have dressed secretly ever since I discovered I liked to put on my mums or my sisters clothes. The thrill that it gave me. The shame that it gave me. The fact that I would buy clothes and then throw them out repeatedly nervous in case some one discovered them. The fact that actually I spend far more time on my Dee profile than my male one, because I so enjoy the interactions.

The fact that medically transitioning does not scare me – I like the thought of having less body hair and bigger hips (through fat moving not bones changing) and I do not mind in the slightest the thought of having my natural libido dropped by blocking Testosterone or taking oestrogen and the way others have described the opening up of actual emotions, or developing natural breasts or ending up with a vagina instead of a penis. I have watched a couple of the “how to” videos where they show the process of creating female parts from male and it does not terrify me to think of having my “manhood” dissected and removed. I am not fixated on it, but as someone who grew up thinking binary it makes perfect sense. At most the thought of the initial dilation schedule afterwards and the time needed off work to recover sounds like more of a chore, especially when things are tender.

My reservations are all fears – about how others will perceive me, about my own acceptance of myself which is linked to my ability to pass as a stranger in a public place – my voice and my hair being my two main vanity bones of contention. The core elements of what I like about who I am are all stereotypically considered female traits. I have worked hard to nurture them in spite of trying so desperately to fit in everywhere.

So given the two explanations the simplest one that requires less supposition is actually that I am transgender and have a female brain that somehow got stuck in a male body.

And that is a sentence I can honestly say I never considered I would write!

Good talk… any thoughts on the subject would be gratefully received.

xx

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Save in Progress… Please Wait.

Life has been getting back to normal this week, I have been back at work and lots of people claim to have missed male-me while I was away but everything is exactly the same as when I left it.

I am feeling a little more optimistic too, just genuinely calmer and in a slightly better mood.

My need to under-dress has not been strong recently but I suspect that is because once I accepted that I am trans the question has stopped being quite so much about the outer presentation and far more about the internal processes. My weekend as Dee proved that for the most part if I chose to I could catch a bus and walk down the street without anyone staring. I always think of Eddie Izzard and his “bloke in a dress” sketch when I consider passing, it should not matter – but it does, people should be able to dress however they choose in public as long as it is PG rated and yet my greatest wish when out with my sister was that I was just a part of the background.

I did another parkrun this weekend and found it interesting that I took female clothes just in case I chose to do the one while I was away, but reverted to my male ones for the closer one. If I can add another days exercise and stop ordering bacon rolls or cakes after running I may actually start to improve my fitness.

I also had another electrolysis appointment, so I arrived one hour before the session and was asked if I minded the new girl seeing how the magic cream was applied to a client (I have explained magic cream before, but it is basically lidocaine and prilocane).

I consented as everyone has to learn some time, and while the explanation for the fact that clients can bring their own cream if they get it prescribed from their GP’s, but sometimes that can be hard which is a shame; and others buy over the counter, sometimes it can be hard for people (like me who does not want to go to my GP) to get hold of, so in those cases they use their own stock and just charge for the cream.

Her wording inferred that she knows my secret lol, but I do not mind  – she described me as one of their regulars which made me smile – and that member of staff has never been anything but lovely towards me, and if things progress I may eventually be arriving and leaving as Dee any way. It is costing me a fortune but is a small oasis where I realise I now feel very comfortable.

I had another 3 hour treatment, during which I stopped to show pics of me out at Pride, my electrologist loved the wig but advised me to wear breast forms to make my shape more natural – I said that I had not worn them deliberately because of not wanting to feel like I was wearing a costume while I was out and her response was that women wear padded bras all the time and not to see it as anything different. I then talked her through the experience and how it felt.

We also talked about my sexuality and I had to say that as far as that was concerned it was in a holding pattern, other than some mucking around as a teen I have always been straight, and I know I am definitely attracted to women – but I have also had to admit that when I am looking at someone I think is attractive I am also looking at what they are wearing and how they have done their makeup and wondering where they got their clothes and sometimes whether or not I could pull of that look. I have also dreamt about being the female with a man, but in reality while I can tell if I think someone is genuinely handsome that pull is not as strong – so for me the jury is out, and will stay out until I know who I am.  I may pine for someone to come home to and snuggle on the sofa with but I could not date as male me right now knowing that so much of him is window dressing, and I could not date as Dee without knowing that she is here to stay; and either way the whole prospect seem totally exhausting and not worth it for some kisses and cuddles!

I have to say that electrolysis when compared to laser is painless – even in the areas just outside where cream had been put on it was just a slight sting, because of the cream there is no pain other than the sensation of feeling the hair being tweaked out. Unfortunately due to cost and work commitments we are waiting a month before my next appointment and so this one will be for laser.  In order to have stubble for the Saturday treatment Wednesday was my last day shaving – as someone who has spent their entire adult life looking unshaven after half a day it feels amazing, when I first started treatment I could shave the afternoon before and have plenty of stubble. The difference is huge!!  I look like I have stubble rash the day afterwards but electrolysis is not as harsh on my skin as laser.  It makes me weep how much I am spending per month, but the fact that I am willing to spend it tells me that this is needed. Spending money on myself is a new thing.

I was also given a lovely compliment this week by someone I chat with via email who said that they sometimes forget I am amab and just ramble off problems like they would to any other female. My response was that as someone who is questioning having the right brain in the wrong body it was just about the nicest compliment I could receive.

I have reached another save point on my journey. I know I am trans, things felt too easy and too natural for me not to be.

I want to go out as Dee and experience a bit more normal life, just so I can compare to the night out, but I suspect that the more time I spend out as Dee, it really will just be my self confidence that improves.

BUT (because there always has to be one) again I have never had a do or die moment – other than authenticity there is no absolute must for me to shake up my life like this! coming back from holiday has shown me that I can pick back up exactly where I left male-me, put on the clothes and plod along on autopilot. No one need ever know. I could start building my life as a single dad and just roll along as I have done for years.

If I transition I risk losing my son if he cannot or does not understand – I have seen it happen to others online – they finally make a push and suddenly find themselves isolated and alone as their families cannot cope with the person they see before them.

I will be fortunate in that I know I will always have friends who support me if I do transition, but I LOVE being a parent – I accept that my daughter has chosen to live with her mum and the thought of them moving so I only get to see her once in a while during holidays is a tough one to cope with and makes me so sad I want to cry.  If I lost my son too because he likes normality and structure and his daddy becoming a woman has not been something he could prepare for – how will I cope? Are there resources about coming out to your children?

I have until October to try and decide if I think it is worth the chance that I will lose my son and daughter. October is when my initial appointment is scheduled, so it is not like I have a full time launch date to become Dee, yet I would quite like to know my own mind a bit better – what do I want to get out of the services? why am I there?

I guess I am in limbo again for a while.

xx

There are no strings on me!

I have just experienced a weekend of firsts.

I hope you are not reading this to kill 30 seconds of boredom, because there is a lot I need to try and put down so I can work it through in my head.

This weekend was the first time my niece had seen me as Dee, the first time my big sister would see me in a wig and makeup and not just a slightly feminine jumper and jeans.

The first time that my married friends would meet me as Dee too.

The first time I would go out, and interact in public as Dee.

Oh – and my first time going to a Pride event!

(I will hopefully cover the other firsts as I go)

I worry a lot, questioning my gender has been absolutely exhausting and whenever I seem to make a step forward all of the nagging doubts and “what ifs” snake their way back into my head and I wonder what the hell I am doing.

I have to wait until October for my initial appointment at the local gender clinic and so this weekend was suggested as an experiment by my niece who has no clue about being trans but wanted to show her support for me when she was told about this months ago.

Questions answered this weekend:

Is Dee just me trying to validate a cross dressing fetish? Nope. While I have associated dressing and fantasy for years and have shifted these last few months into wearing more practical clothing, this weekend I can safely say that my libido never made an appearance and there was absolutely nothing sexual about any of it! (yay!)

Is Dee just me escaping into another character to avoid my real life problems? No.  Online it is easy to have my butterfly avatar and people make assumptions from that, but I do not change my style of speech or the language I use, but the worry was there.

This weekend I interacted as Dee the whole time, the people I interacted with treated me as Dee, from the vendors and stallholders in the pride village who were all absolutely incredibly friendly to the waiters, waitresses, bar staff, bouncers and sour faced city bus drivers with whom I interacted. No one overtly treated me like a male.

  • it took my niece a good few hours of being corrected every time she used he and my male name, and then the same with my married friends, each time I would correct them that for this weekend I am Dee and am a her/she, but to be fair I was asking them to change 20+ years of habit!  A few hours into the evening and when they were gossiping about me taking ages to get ready and I was her and Dee so it did become more natural to them as time progressed.

Is Dee fake?  No. This relates to the question above but on a deeper level, in questioning my gender I was and am trying to remove masks and layers – I was worried that Dee was a mask I was putting on to fit in and this weekend I had nowhere to hide – while I was not euphoric the whole time I was perfectly content and would still be there now given half a chance.

It was all perfectly normal.

I was self conscious and nervous, but I didn’t have to hide my feelings, I could admit to being scared and happy and allow myself to be vulnerable. I am not and never have been considered a jock – but when people talk about toxic masculinity and men not showing their feelings it is a genuine thing. Suck it up buttercup is how “men” deal with the world around them, when out with women we are supposed to protect them, this weekend I was the one being protected.

I am not claiming to be a victorian-esque waif who will faint at the first sign of trouble, but I did not have to be aggressive or dominate and claim the immediate area as I would feel I had to in the role of uncle/brother/safe friend/protector. My big sister and then later my male married friend did that for me, making sure I did not sit in an aisle next to strangers, walking ahead of me through a crowd….

I think that overall this weekend has helped me to see that Dee truly is a big part of who I am, but more than that it has helped those who want to support me see her too in a way which I could not do otherwise.

Each day I got in and recorded my thoughts so I will paste them below so you can see my journey in real time!

Day 1

I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them.

My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my nieces, on arrival I immediately put on my every day blonde bob hair which has a fringe so it hides the netting well even though it is cheap, I then went and changed into a more overtly feminine styled black and dark blue top that had long sleeves and a rolled neckline, put on my “natural” false lashes and some lip gloss and both my niece and sister said that I looked completely natural.  I wore my charity shop pastel blue Vans trainers and paid the price for my bargain with blisters later.

I know my chin is still red and blotchy from the combination laser and electrolysis but they said it was not noticeable. I put my phone and wallet (which is small enough to pass as a purse) in my handbag with the lip gloss and perfume that I had chosen and we then walked up to the place where my sister was staying to drop off her bag. As we were waiting to cross the road my sister did a double take because she thought I was some random woman who had walked up and stood beside her 🤣.

We then walked into the centre of town to a buffet style Thai/Chinese restaurant and had a wonderful meal, the city was a typical busy city street, lots of people passing and my niece and sister told me at the restaurant that not a single person had done a double take. I must admit that while I felt slightly self conscious the conversation and company made me completely forget I was presenting female a couple of times.  Nobody shouted anything, I’m fairly certain I heard one guy asking his mate if that was a guy at a bus stop as we passed but they didn’t yell or choose to come and find out.  None of the waiting staff stared or treated me any different to my sister or niece and as far as I am aware none of the tables around us passed any comment or stared either. I was just another customer stuffing my face with plates of sushi.

The loos were practically unisex – an open lay out design meant one set of sinks with a couple of cubicles denoting the woman’s area, my sister came with me but it was deserted.

My fears turned out to be just that, spectres that had no substance. It was a fantastic meal, I felt too full and then when we queued and paid we were just a part of the queue – nothing different or unique.

We walked back up that same busy street, again no one stared or said anything – the buskers asked for cash as they do but again no one said anything – there was a short period where a man was walking uncomfortably close behind us and talking to his friend about how he was carrying a knife, but thankfully before long he turned off and went into a pub.

My niece then suggested a quick drink to say thank you for the meal before my sister headed back to her lodgings and so we went into her local pub. It was very bright and there was a wee corner that my sister and I went and sat in while my niece got a round in with her student discount. The woman at the table next to us stared heavily as we walked in and sat down but it could just as easily have been because they were a large group and had been using the seats we sat down in – in the UK if there are no jackets or drinks you just sit in the empty space – if a seat is being kept you are told. We had our drink and then the large group left, my sister went up and bought a second one but we left when some old drunk guy came and sat down in the now vacant table beside us and started trying to strike up a conversation with my sister – I went to the loo, this time with my niece and then we came back to her flat after a quick stop for some blister plasters because every step was agony for me.

My first time out in the big city was completely uneventful – my niece used my male name twice and both times I gently asked her not to while I am wearing a wig and ladies clothing and she was mortified, but she did not treat me any differently.

I was hyper aware of my surroundings and how close people were to me, my sister said that she felt really protective of me – if the knife guy hadn’t turned off she was going to stop us under a pretext to let him pass, she also sat on the outside so that I could sit in the corner – physically placing herself between me and the rest of the room. I laughed when she asked if that was how guys feel and I had to say yes – every male becomes a potential threat, even though I knew I could never finish anything it was my duty to get in harms way to protect the women I was with.

Overall I did feel self conscious – I do not think I pass in the couple of photos we took, but my sister and niece said that I absolutely did.  Apparently my false lashes looked amazing and I will now have to show my sister how to put them on because she cannot do them, but like any woman my age I was not caked in makeup and I was dressed properly – I had noticed that my sister stopped long enough to apply some lippy when she dropped her bag off too.

The world did not stop – I did not get lynched, or shouted at, or spat on, or treated like I had an extra head (though a gull did poop on my sisters jacket – it was good luck for me)

Tomorrow is the more overtly flamboyant day – I intend to wear my makeup and put on my “violet vixen” nails and trans coloured wig and am considering wearing a skirt and top if they meet with my nieces approval. Then in the evening we will go out – though I only have a little black dress which could be too fancy.

It is hard to say how I feel precisely – it felt so totally natural, apart from the times when I remembered that I was wearing a wig, or when I needed the loo – it was just like every other time i have gone out with my sister for something to eat – the difference tonight is that I was her sister too. I was glad to get home, going from the night air into the building made me sweat really quickly so I was glad for the ice in my drinks, I remain unconvinced about my ability to pass and yet even without makeup I seem to have had my wish to just be invisible. Just another person in the city having some food and enjoying a drink with her two friends.

My married friends will be meeting up with me tomorrow and this is the first time they will see me out as Dee so I hope that they can be as nonchalant about it as my sister and niece were, my sister has a beautician with a trans sister and was talking about me telling her at her last visit – apparently the thing that struck her most was just how little she reacted to the news, she was not overly shocked or surprised even though she had never seen me as anything other than male.

I have been offered to go and see the beautician any time and she will take care of me which is so nice, especially as I am starting to want to express myself a bit more.  This evening was just so lovely – I am tired and sleepy but really wanted to record it before I sleep – more again tomorrow night if I remember!

💋💖

 

Day 2

I am still a little bit unsure how I process today.  A slow relaxed morning meant that I missed the parade but Today I did my own makeup and then got help from my niece to do my eyebrows and eyeliner – pro tip: she used some eye shadow rather than eye liner or an eyebrow pencil, it gave the same effect but did not look so harsh when on and came off so much easier just now! Then my sister helped me glue my nails on – they were both jealous of my nails, but they matched my hair perfectly – they were just a bit on the long side and completely impractical!

So all day I had to adjust to barely being able to use my phone or do simple things like button my jeans when I went to the loo.

 

I was wearing some comfy pink and grey trainers (I had bought blister plasters on the way home last night) my jeans and my butterfly tee, my niece was also in jeans and a bright blue tee because she was wearing a rainbow bright my little pony wig, I could not believe that a pastel blue and pink wig could look subtle but compared to hers I positively blended in and because everyone else was wearing jeans I did not want to wear my skirt.

 

We caught the bus into town, when we got on there was my sister in normal clothes, my niece and I with our wigs, but as we got closer to our stop more and more people got on wearing rainbow flags or all dressed up so that we were soon just a part of the entourage heading to the pride village.  The village was free of charge to get in but required a previously booked ticket which got you into the site where there was a music stage, an info tent, a dance tent, along with lots of info stalls and snack vans.  I had not eaten breakfast due to nerves but needed to eat something so that was our first port of call.

 

It was a great atmosphere, the weather pretty much drizzled rain the entire time, but in Scotland that does not put off festival goers, and this had the feel of a festival so I relaxed very quickly. The fact that there were glittery drag queens, many openly gay and lesbian couples, people dressed as goths, lolitas, folks with rainbow angel wings, a wizard in a bathrobe – I did not even come close to standing out.

 

We wandered around and listened to music and then my niece took my sister back into the city centre to catch her bus home. I was left on my own for around an hour and a half during which time I went and spoke to a stall called trans space and a woman called Emma from Glasgow who was looking for support to fix some of the more ridiculous legislation in Scotland and protect Trans people using public facilities, I duly signed as Dee but admitted that it was my first time out and about and we spoke for a good 20 minutes about the questioning process and trying to find out where we fit- she made me feel much more confident in myself though because although she had transitioned years ago she could instantly identify with the questions and worries that I had.

I also made friends with the ladies running the coffee van and was enlightening them about good places to visit in my area. They spoke to me as a normal human being and it was only a comment after them asking if I lived in the area that I outed myself by saying it was just a nice chance to get to be me.  I am under no illusions – my voice patterns may be pretty feminine but I still frequently talk from the chest and have that low rumble echo when I finish sentences or have to speak loudly- especially when I am compared to my sister or niece.

But as this weekend was an experiment I had already decided that I had done enough practising and prep without becoming a tragic mickey mouse impersonator.

 

Around 6pm my friends told me that they were on the bus into town so we left the village and went back to my nieces, she had already said that she would be wearing jeans and a nice top, so while I was a little bit disappointed, that went away when we went into the local Asda and bought a nice blue dressy top and a pink cardigan to go with my jeans and hair, I then changed into some black leather calf boots that had wide but definite heels on and we caught the bus back into the city centre – I kept my colourful wig on.

 

My male friend won an unofficial bet between them that I would be wearing a wig, but they both gave me a hug and then we caught up over a couple of drinks – I deliberately did not order a single pint all night, I just ordered whatever drink I fancied.

 

In over 6 hrs of partying the only people who openly clocked me were bar staff, and they always smiled, and I am pretty sure that one young lassie complimented me after she had given me my order, but it was hard to hear over the drag act at the other end of the bar where the woman were doing all of the whooping and cat calling as their boyfriends were made to feel uncomfortable with the over endowed thanks to padding, leotard and fishnet wearing absolutely stunning drag acts.

We walked to another official pride party venue and the music was rubbish – the only reason it gets a mention is because by the time we got there I was busting to pee and just walked into the ladies without thinking, it was packed but by now I had used the facilities a few times over the day and a smile and a thank you for a door held open was as much interaction as I did.

 

My female married friend noted her disgust that I was happily walking along with them in heels when she cannot wear any herself, but it was good natured and she also envied my nails!  During the evening there was a lot of misgendering with “he”and my male name getting used, but each time I would remind them that for tonight I was Dee and to use she/her so I could get a read on how it feels to be gendered that way in real life – oddly my male friend picked it up quickest, but it really only took a couple of hrs and some deliberate she/her repetition for the ladies to refer to me as Dee too.

 

By 11pm we then went into a club that exclusively played 80’s music, and its little sister annex reached through the main area that exclusively played 90’s music. The music was loud and I felt my age but I got to tick another thing off my wish list, we danced until just after 1am. My feet are killing me but my niece and I walked back to her flat and after removing my nails, eyelashes and makeup we enjoyed a late night pizza – although I still do not have an appetite – I drank enough to be sociable but also ordered a mocktail at one point and so I did not have to worry that I would revert to “laddish” drunk behaviour  or even worse trip and fall in my heels.

It is half two in the morning and when I wake up I have to drive back up the road and be dad again and I do not know how to feel about it.

I frequently forgot that I was actually wearing makeup and a wig and then would sometimes catch my reflection in a shop window and remember, or have to move hair out of my eyes!

My niece, my sister and my friends went out of their way to look after me and make sure that I was feeling okay, escorting me to the loos when I needed to go and letting me sit in corner seats so I did not have to sit next to strangers and it was nice to know that I was allowed to be vulnerable.

My friends said that other than seeing me in different clothes it felt just like any other night out we had been on – I was still me – there was just more girly chat.

Not one person did a double take, or pointed or nudged their friends or looked at me funny – I was literally just another girl on a night out – an experience validated when I went to the ladies without seeking an escort and even though it was packed around the mirrors and the sinks I never even got a second glance.

At one point I thought I had been clocked when a hen party came up to us and started pointing at a list but then her friend pointed to a number and they went to my male friend instead for his signature, so either they had thought I was male from a distance or they had gotten the numbering wrong, but either way I was not seen as male for whatever dare the bride to be was doing.

I cannot thank my friends and family enough – the fact that it felt completely normal, but I was freer tells me I definitely need to keep looking forwards.

The fact that my male friend made a point of letting me know that he was with me regardless, but did ask some questions was really nice – I get one more sleep in Dees pj’s and then back to work next week. I am physically and emotionally wiped out – but in a really good way!

****

It looks more and more like when I get to my appointment in October I will sit in front of them and tell them that I want to be a real girl!

Pride wig and nails

I’ve got no strings to hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings, but now I’m free
There are no strings on me

xx

Starting electrolysis

Hair removal is painful, in all the ways!

It seems like a long time ago that I nervously pushed the door open to the beauty clinic after agonising about whether or not to start treatment when I haven’t even met with the gender outreach clinic yet. The warm and friendly welcome I received even as that quiet, nervous and shabbily dressed guy made a lasting impression. One that ran deeper than the pain of laser treatment. I look forward to going in, being offered a hot drink and listening to the relaxing music, the staff are always smiling and I have not once felt judged or even out of place.

This weekend saw my last blast of laser treatment – clearing the weeds as my electrologist called it.  The laser has had to be at its maximum setting and it has hurt and made me flinch or gasp, every. single. time. We are running out of black hairs to zap, whats left are mostly red and a few white – the joys of my celtic heritage.  I was very nervous when I was told to look for magic cream before this session, if laser was sore, how much worse must electrolysis be if you have to numb your face before you start!

For those without children magic cream is a local anaesthetic cream, usually rubbed onto children’s arms for the purpose of giving injections or taking blood. EVERYONE in the UK calls it magic cream!  The make I was told to seek was called EMLA, it comes in dinky wee tubes with dressing pads to help absorption or giant 30g tubes for multiple uses – it was the large tube I was told to look for and I went to 4 different chemists in two different towns with no luck, although one pharmacist did offer to order some in for me.

I resorted to ordering online, but when I entered electrolysis as the reason online the chemist refused to send it to me.  All of this was to avoid going to my local GP and telling them that I think I am trans and waiting for an appointment but have started on hair removal. I could not tell you who my GP is – the extremely rare time I have made an appointment I do not care who I see as long as they are trained and the first available appointment.  I had one last town to try before giving up, but ran out of time so my sister bless her went through the big Boots who were rubbish and then finally Superdrug – who were super helpful and got me two wee tubes, oddly the packets with the dressings were cheaper than those without. She did have to explain to the chemist what she wanted the cream for but she was really nice and very quick to offer future support if more was needed. I had arrived for my appointment with my miniature magic cream tubes and when I explained the hassle trying to get the cream my electrologist said that she was not surprised and she would just use from their own stock and charge me the cost of the tube.

My face was stinging – the more zaps you get in quick succession the more it hurts, and after 20 minutes everywhere feels like you have serious sunburn, which in a way is true – the saving grace is that the machine also has a cold air blower which is heaven and a blissful relief from the laser machine.

We finished up and then cream was applied to my chin and jawline which is where the strongest concentration of hair remains and I was left to lie on a massage table and read for an hour (so glad I took a book) while the cream took effect.

By this time I needed the loo so when I was allowed to move I was told I had to go downstairs – the clinic is located above the health suite in a local hotel chain and the toilets are just open for anyone – it says a lot about how comfortable I am becoming with the treatment that even though my face looked like I had been interrupted shaving I could go and ask a member of staff for directions to the closest loo – the young lad almost hid his amusement very well and was still nice and polite so kudos to the hotel staff.

After answering nature’s call I went back to my wee room and prepared myself for my impending torture.  The saving grace being that a large portion of my face no longer felt sunburnt because it had no feeling at all, running my tongue around the bottom of my teeth I could feel a slight tingle, but had no idea what to expect.

What followed was about 3 hours of pleasant conversation as the electrologist zapped and pulled out hairs that had roots that looked inches deep.  I could occasionally feel a slight zap almost like a pinprick, but most of the time it was just the sensation of the hair being plucked even though it did not hurt.  I had arrived for my appointment before 13:30 and left at 1800. It was a long afternoon and as had become habit I kept the windows open in the car to take full advantage of the cold air as I drove to my sisters house and my waiting children.

I was warned that my chin and jaw might be tender for the next few days after having the double trauma of laser and electrolysis, but my face has calmed down surprisingly quickly, today I have the blotchy facial hair that catches on my teeshirt just as I always do, but overall I have to say that I have gotten off lightly.

I am looking forward to putting the pain of the laser behind me.  In two weeks time I have to go back for another extended session of electrolysis because it is apparently better to get as much out at the same time as possible and then get to the pattern of catching anything as it grows back.  For me it is a milestone – I am delighted that I can look clean shaven for a full day even if I can feel the hairs myself, I can go 2-3 days before looking like I haven’t shaved at all. At the moment regardless of what happens in October I can say that the money I have spent has absolutely been worth it, I feel so much better about myself.

Next weekend sees my first extended time being Dee in front of family, friends and strangers and while I am SOOooooo excited by the prospect, I am also quietly and unashamedly terrified of showing this side of me to the world.

Online I can chat in rooms and in forums and am happy to just be myself, due to my butterfly avatar I am always treated as female, and I am 100% okay with that, I may not be comfortable with the concept of voice chatting but it is nice to be able to express myself freely.

In the real world I cannot hide behind a drawn picture though.

I do not want to make a fool of myself, to be mocked or ridiculed or rejected, nor do I want to be pressured into moving forwards if it does not feel right for me, or pressure others into being okay with me when this is the first time they will see me in female clothing, I do not want to damage the relationships I have – it will literally be two nights and one full day of many of those little daydreams about coffee and lunches and window shopping and dancing and being seen as a woman in public that I have had literally had for basically my entire teenage and adult life coming true – so it is that place where fantasy will meet reality and I am so nervous about it, no pressure lol!

XX

Living painfully quiet

I was at a friends Murder mystery birthday party this weekend.  My character was supposed to be a reformed womaniser and loan shark type. The party was amazing, everyone got into their parts and even without a corpse we all horribly murdered the accents we were trying to do for our characters.

We all turned up for dinner, and over a 3 course meal we listened to a short section on a CD, read from our specific character scripts and then improvised the conversation questions and answers because we were all suspects.

I was told afterwards though that my character had not done much womanising overtly, and I blamed it on the accent and not the fact that while I could just about handle calling my female friends and a couple of strangers; love, babe, sweetheart and darling – the truth is I find it sleazy and uncomfortable and I cannot act that way for long even in jest. The murderer was guessed by one of my friends, but not me.

I did not mind the fancy dress part, a few trips around the charity shops soon helped to get a suitably magnum pi type outfit and I thought about fake tanning too late for it to be done, but my point is that it felt like I was playing a part – I could flow in or out of character but it was always just that, a character.

In two weeks time I will be spending almost a whole weekend dressed as Dee, going out, dressing, eating and sleeping as my girl self in public and private – I will have 2 members of my family and one cis het couple of good friends with me, I was best man at their wedding, although recently my friend said I was now their best person. Everyone with me will be encouraging, they all just want to support me and everyone has said they will be okay with me dressing as Dee, but if I change my mind, if I have a panic attack, or if I realise it is not me then there will be no judgement. I can go and change and there will be no harm done to me or my friendships, and it will not be made public knowledge.

It is going to be an important moment for me – pretty much mentally confirming to myself if I am “trans” and looking to transition socially, or just “trans” emotionally and happy being perceived as a male but just working in taking away the masks I have discovered I frequently wear.

I know that when I dress as Dee at home with or without makeup it does not feel like a mask, I cannot go out for fear of discovery in my local area so everything I do is done at home behind closed curtains.

I hate that dressing still sometimes has an attachment to my libido but I am pretty sure that the urges are more testosterone and attachment based as I can still make lunches, read, watch films and do housework without it being exciting in any way. The clothes I am wearing are ones that a girl could wear anywhere without being embarrassed (some are more party then office or home but still everything is rated pg).

Certainly when I sleep in my pj’s it is just nice to be in bed sleeping – the worry comes from the small chance of having a child wander into the bedroom ill in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning so it is rare for me to wear my girly pj’s at home.

I met up with my sisters to do a 5k jog this weekend, trying to increase my fitness and even though I completed it I have hurt my foot badly, I can barely stand to put any weight on it – it is a combination of historically wearing male trainers that are too large for me and the fact that I am overweight and unfit. I want to be able to do so much more, even though I am presenting male I almost resent being asked for my gender and name at the beginning because I know that it is a classification that I am no longer sure I fit into, I am getting far more nervous and far more excited to see if this weekend as Dee is going to be one that helps me to see where I am going.

Mentally since I accepted the idea of being Trans it has calmed me down emotionally and I have been able to go out and have fun, the only thing is that whenever I see my female friends I am checking out what they are wearing and wondering if that will be me in a few years time… it may not make sense, but since when has anything in my life ever made sense?

Take care

xx

Emotional Boxes and how to fill them…

I am discovering that one of my strengths/weaknesses has always been just how tightly I control my emotions.  People are only allowed to see what I want them to see, what I consider it appropriate to share at the time.

Of the four sisters, one niece, two nephews and four friends that I have talked about my trans feelings with not one of them had ever suspected that I sometimes dreamed about being a girl, none of them said I strike them as being feminine and none of them ever thought they would be having that conversation with me.

That is because I have gone to extreme lengths to ensure that an item of clothing borrowed when I was younger was folded and put back in the same place and in the same way it was taken, anything that could possibly have been discovered was well hidden and then even when it was binned for fear of discovery was also done by bypassing the house bin for an outside one – and on more than one occasion driven in the car, wrapped in a black bag and put in a random roadside bin so even if there was some accidental tear as the bin was emptied it couldn’t be traced back to me.

I have NEVER talked to anyone about dressing up in womens clothes, I have NEVER admitted to liking nail varnish and hair styles, or pamper sessions, I have gone out of my way to mask or mock any traits that were even slightly girly or feminine with the exception of my eq, which has been a positive when it comes to working with people.

It is only over the last few months that I have shared these parts of myself with family and friends as I struggle to come to terms with who I am and how I see myself, fighting to understand whether I am trying to be something I am not or putting meaning into something that shouldn’t have it, or simply discovering a part of myself I could not previously acknowledge.

I am great at putting things into boxes and making sure they stay there.  I have seen End game twice and cried at exactly the same parts twice – the same parts where the women I know (and my daughter) cried, but I sucked those tears back in so quickly that no one saw or would have known if I chose not to admit it.

I am very careful how and when I choose to let my emotions out, to the point that sometimes its like I know how my brain wants to respond, but my body just refuses to show anything. It can be frustrating and it has led to me being called unemotional and heartless in the past, but it has also protected me from discovery for years.

I do this in other areas of my life, my ex wife’s granny recently died and ages ago when she had been planning her funeral as her health deteriorated I had been asked if I would be a part of the service – of course I had said yes, this week my promise has been put to the test, I have helped my ex mother in law put together and print a tribute and suitable orders of service and had to be nice to my exes new man who was there when I dropped the children off prior to the service tomorrow. I was smiling and cracking jokes but all the while this is still the woman I loved, even if she did likely cheat on me and it hurts to have to be in her family house and play nice.

With the best will in the world at most I would have managed a sarky comment, but as I have never been one to seek out confrontation, anyone coming in would have assumed we were lifelong friends. I have been told that I let her off too easy – but why create extra drama when it is not needed and will not help?

I can box up my feelings and emotions like a boss.

I do not know how tomorrows service will go – I do know that no awkwardness will come from me being there. I know that I am happy enough that my ex seems to be finding happiness in her life, I know that it is exhausting telling my son to be polite to the new man and it sucks that my daughter will be moving away when my ex does and I will miss out on seeing her except for holidays.

I will get through the day by being the best version of me that I can, I will be as kind and as helpful as I can be, but I also know that I will be exhausted by the end of the day, by the time I have taken the kids home I will be absolutely physically shattered.

The other thing that was on this weekend was a friends wedding – it was amazing – she looked stunning and the day let me catch up with so many of my friends it felt more like a reunion party than a wedding & reception.

I was in male mode but just has an absolute blast – I spent most of the night with a fake flower table decoration tied around my wrist like a corsage and was on the dance floor for most of the night even though frequently I was the only “man” up there – possibly the only thing that stopped me waking up hungover the next day was the sheer amount of dancing.

It was a tremendous night, the first time in a very very long time that I have laughed that long and that hard with my friends, and a part of me is very curious to see how going out as Dee at the end of this month will compare.

Two of my knowledgeable friends have volunteered to come out with my niece and I so I wonder if I will have as much fun and feel more or less myself.

It will be interesting to see how it all pans out. For a short while I will be relaxing the iron grip I have over myself and my emotions and just letting myself relax. No boxes, no unnecessary control. Should be quite the experiment!

XX

The Countdown has started

I unofficially started my holidays a little early, travelling to a friends house so I could go out with her to the cinema for her birthday. I am away from home for just over a week and have 3 separate events I needed to pack for so my case is about twice as large as I would normally pack…. and that is just my boy clothes, I have another case in my car that has some of my other clothes in, just in case the opportunity presents itself.

It did not today but instead I had a really good conversation with one of the friends who I told at Christmas and we discussed where I am and how I am feeling, as well as likely scenarios for moving forwards, it is nice being able to have a real life conversation and talk to someone who is supporting me trying to unravel the mystery of who I really am. I was even offered the promise of company on a night out towards the end of the month which is potentially the first time her and her husband would see me out as Dee.

I also caught up with my niece today and had a wonderful time. We just sat and swapped stories and then went back to her flat and started planning Dee day for a few weeks time.  The plan is to go out for the afternoon and then if that goes well to go out on the town in the evening too. She is flexible that if I have a panic attack she will not mind coming back to the flat but is happy to help me experiment with how going out socially in real life as Dee makes me feel.  I am nervous but quite excited as in my head I thought I would have gone out more by now.

I am bigger than I would like but so are many other girls, I am still nervous to go out but now it is excited nerves. This is a big step because it will be 1-2 full days interacting with the world as DeeDee. If I chose I could have my other friend and her partner out with me too and while it would be weird for them to see me, a part of me would be delighted to have them out – there is safety in numbers.

Things are getting real and I hope I am brave enough to go through with it.  It is an opportunity to be out and about, seen as how I want to be seen!If it feels right it could mean the start of more trips out for Dee, and if it feels wrong then I know that I am looking in the wrong direction.

Fun time ahead

xx