My counsellor asked to meet in person again this week so my mum came up the night before to cover the school run.
We have finally been having summer this week, overnight the temperatures have jumped from 5-6 degrees to between 14-20. In Scotland that’s a heatwave. I decided to use the opportunity to finally wear something other than jeans out and picked a white sunflower summer dress and a pair of open toed wedges, but being Scotland I also looked out a denim skirt with a spearmint green tee that I could easily swap out for jeans in case of rain. Initially my mum liked the tee, and even helped me choose which hairstyle to wear but changed her mind about the skirt last minute and suggested I go with the sunflowers.
I showed mum how I do my eyebrows and get dressed but then hide everything in a holdall until I get far enough away from the house to pull into a secluded layby and finish getting changed.
She was super impressed with the stick on nails I applied while we were having a cup of tea before I left the house so I have given her some to take away with her, she compained that her nails were too short and I explained that given that she is a gardener short nails makes sense, but the stickers look pretty and are easy to peel off without the smell and hassle of nail polish remover. I could swear my mum thought it was black magic! But I had chosen a gold colour to wear and she liked how they sparkled in the sun.
The wedges I wore are a little bit thicker than I thought they would be when I bought them online, but they fit and I think they look gorgeous…
and by a little bit thicker I mean a solid 5″ of wedge, putting me at 6 feet tall lol.
Not easy to drive in, so I wore my trainers to drive and intended to change for my appointment. Remembering too late that my nice trainers were still at home under the denim skirt and I had gone out with my big black boy trainers on!
I changed without issue and tried not to feel too self conscious when I had to stop and put fuel in the car clomping around in black trainers and a light knee length dress.
I arrived for my appointment with 15 minutes to spare and put my nice shoes on and prepped my mask, when I rang the bell the woman who answered did a bit of a double take when I explained who I was there to see and I had to go and wait in a little side room due to covid & privacy rules.
Even with my heels I am only just the same height as my counsellor, but she said I looked fantastic and complimented me on my outfit and said that she really liked my hair. I have no doubts she compliments everyone who comes in regardless of what they are wearing but it still made my day to have someone say they liked my outfit, plus I told her that I could now thank my mum for choosing the sunflowers out of the 2 options I had given her lol.
She asked if I changed my hair much and I had to admit that sometimes if I am wearing something darker ( I like deep greens and reds) then the darker hair can go better with them. It is one of the advantages of being able to accessorise so I be as well make the most of it.
I talked about how well things were going, the fact that I have reached out to see where my work stand on lgbt members legally and in reality. Turns out that actually there is very little legal protection due to the type of work I do, but most of the protection is in place around anti discrimination and bullying.
I discussed that I would likely need to move and how nervous that made me because switching healthboards would mean switching proffessionals and I like the work I have done with her, I have come a long way thanks to her support and probing. She said she has no doubts that whatever I decide to do I will succeed at because I have the willingness to stop and consider different options before taking the best step, as evidenced by the success of having my family behind me.
After my appointment I drove to meet one of my sisters outside, I said we could either grab a drink or go for a small walk, and she asked if I could walk, apparently mum had texted her to say I was looking glam and she was jealous of my heels, so my sister thought she should make an effort to get dressed up too. She looked lovely in a nice top and her jeans, and so we walked to a outdoor stall and I bought us both a coffee, I am trying to use my voice more in order to not be so self conscious about it, and sure enough the guy selling the coffees never batted an eyelid or spoke differently to us.
We wandered over to a bench and then sat for an hour catching up. I am sure a few people clocked me as I heard a few hushed whispers as people went past while we were talking but no one outright stared or said anything and most people were oblvious. One old man in a wheelchair was being taken for some afternoon air and smiled at my sister and I and said, “Afternoon ladies!” as he went by so we both smiled and waved at him.
By this time the sun had gone behind the clouds and it was starting to get chilly so I hugged my sister, grabbed a photo of the two of us and made the journey home, driving halfway home before stopping at some public loos and changing out of my nice clothes back into drab for the rest of the drive home. I totally get why the word drab is used now, it isn’t just about the fact that most guy clothes are monochrome and boring, but that deflating of bottling yourself back up.
I did stop in a layby to get one more selfie to remind me of my day though, and my sister messaged me this morning to say that she keeps looking at the picture we took together and it makes her smile. That makes me smile too, so I thanked her for not being too embarrassed to be seen out with me. She laughed and said she was not embarrassed but that I wasn’t allowed to wear those heels again (she only came up to my shoulders) and so I told her that at least now I could say I’d been a leggy blond at least once in my life.
It was such a good day, I finally got to go out in a dress, my life is starting to come together and my relationship with my mum seems to be solidifying the same way that the relationship with my elder sisters has.
I have a long way to go, but it feels like nothing compared to how far I have already come.