Well the post I applied for sent me a thanks, but no thanks. While I did not think I was a shoo in for it and I knew others would apply, I did think I would at least merit an interview, so I was more disappointed in being outright rejected than not being selected.
Intellectually I can understand it from thir point of view, having someone socially transtition as they take up post is possibly just too much controversy or open extra baggage for them to want to take on, or while I thought my skillset was perfect for the role perhaps they are looking for someone with more experience. Emotionally, I had found myself getting quite excited at the prospect of becoming myself all the time in just a few months. So the knock back made me a little bit down in the dumps, I went and bought a junk food dinner and dessert despite myself and then as I let people who had been waiting to hear from me know I also started looking at what it meant for me.
I am ready to transition. This opportunity came up as I was looking to see if I could find a place for myself as Dee in this world, and it showed that there are openly LGBT friendly places I can go to.
I have no set timescale but in my head I wanted to aim for having told everyone by the end of this summer and of being myself around family over this Christmas, this job opportunity made me think about that differently. Honestly I am ready to go full time as openly female now. Realising that I do not need to be on HRT to socially transition and that I am willing to face up to the awkwardness and being othered that will very likely happen as my stubble and voice give me away during the day was actually quite liberating!
I will continue to tell the people that I know, including my kids mum, but I am not scared of being rejected by others now that I have a solid support base of family and close friends. Having already told a few strategic people at my work even if something gets back and outs me where I am I am protected, which takes some of the worry about losing my house away. In reality though, if my kids can accept me then why should I care if Joe and jane Bloggs don’t?
I also now have a prepped and ready to go CV. If I spy anything else that takes my fancy I can and will apply. I intend to start the process of consolidating my social media accounts so that I do not have two online footprints either. I will leave Twitter and Facebook until I have to, but now that I have told my close friend group I can be myself in other areas, it may be a small thing but hearing my friends use “she/her” when discussing me as we co-op a game just makes me smile every time.
I have signed up to a group activity my friend was doing as Dee and while my privacy settings are locked to the group I have included a picture of my real self. It will keep me motivated to carry on with my eating and exercise routine, and it felt great putting my picture up rather than my pretend self.
With the mild panic about knowing how pitiful my wardrobe is for interviews and full time outfit choices I also have a starting place for what I can do this summer. I can be myself while away on holiday with my children and so I intend to make the most of it and visit lots of charity shops to bulk out my wardrobe to at least having enough clothes to wear for a fortnight. The children will also get a chance to get used to me being out and about as myself without the stress of being in an area where they may be spotted by someone they know.
I am feeling more resilient and more able to focus, I can cope with what I must do now, in order to be able to do the things I want to do soon.
Life is getting there, slowly but surely… and I can’t wait.