I have found myself getting increasingly frustrated with myself this week.
I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do and I know what I am doing…
I’m stalling for time.
I have no doubts that I can express myself far more clearly and fully as a female than I can when I am trying to be a man for the world, and yet I cannot let anyone see that part of me.
Man-me is solid and dependable, and unflappable, able to cope with anything and known for being a mediator. Woman-me wants to be able to express herself, to stop hiding away, to walk down the street – to hug and cry and laugh and be vulnerable.
I am like a referee in a boxing ring keeping these two sides apart because they are opponents, all the while trying to find a way that lets them co-exist.
Point of proof – I dressed in ladies clothes for my counselling session, but the womens jeans, and top were hidden under a jumper that while it says it is a ladies on the label, looks almost identical to the male version I own in the same colour. I also wore a lip gloss that would not really show up on camera (I use video chat). I never mentioned any of this, and I even took the bin out because I knew that on the screen and from more than a few feet away I looked like a guy in jeans, but inside I was crossing an invisible line in the least dramatic way possible.
All of my fears about coming out centre around losing my children, I would ideally have both of them full time, but I will accept that they will choose where they go and I want that freedom to choose protected legally.
So I cannot tell them, in case their mum finds out and decides to use that against me – it is a slim possibility but enough to make me balk.
So the two people that mean the most to me in the world are naturally excluded from being a part of this journey with me.
I encourage them to accept others for who they are, to recognise that we are all different and yet the one thing that connects us is that we are all special. This is not some meme based feel good philosophy but the natural state of humanity. Good until we choose not to be.
The same thing is happening with showing Dee to the world, I literally cannot do it without military style planning and yet I so desperately want it to just not be a big deal.
I want to pass and blend and be pretty simply so I can walk down the street without everyone staring at me – I literally get enough of that in my day job.
The cosmetics are just a way to be expressive in a different way to the slogan tee shirts that I used to wear. A way to say how I am feeling, because it is so very hard to say that the rest of the time.
I am being torn up by my inability to bring these two opposing parts of my life together.
There must be a way.
I am takings steps though. I have taken a small step forwards, because my niece has booked us tickets to a Pride event happening in the city she goes to University in this coming year so I have a few months to get comfortable with the idea of going out into the world as Dee. It is a big step because I have never left the house and do not want to be female for an entire weekend without having ever gone out one or twice first. There is a small chance of being recognised or recorded and broadcast by some person with a camera, but I think that if my position with my children is protected all that would ultimately do is bring forward my plans to include my workplace in the journey.
I’m also struggling to face up to my own greed and sugar addiction – if I want to look and feel good I am going to have to lose all the weight I have piled on over Christmas and New Year.
I also question my ability to be a woman in day to day life. I have not felt any kind of “I must do this or die” moment, which seems to be prevalent when looking at others who transition. For me it is more akin to an awakening of consciousness, the more I question myself and my identity, the more I feel that the feminine part of me is actually a deeper rooted, bigger and more important part than the male part that I have been showing all these years, so I wish to reflect that and give it the space it needs to grow and flourish, and transitions seems to be the best way to do that for me.
Sometimes it is not enough to simply know who we are, but the real struggle lies in being who we are.
My brain hurts and my heart hurts but this can’t last forever – can it?