Walking on eggshells

Due to a work commitment I had a shorter than usual session today.

This week is work counselling only but it is relevant because the issue I raised was about what I bring to my workplace.

I said that when I was in my 20’s I never questioned my identity, I thought I knew who I was and what made me tick.

Once married I invested everything into being a husband and then a father, some of the husband issues were because of placing my children first, but I gave up all of those extra little things that I enjoyed doing that were a part of me.

Mountain biking, ultimate frisbee, river and loch swimming, camping, going to pubs and clubs, all fell by the wayside over the years. It was the same with family or friend emergencies in that I could no longer drop everything and go because I had my own family to look after and their needs came first.

Even things I started during the few separation gaps in my marriage were quashed when I got back together with my ex. Running and fitness exercise classes, ceroc (modern jazz) – all fell, one by one.

How can I be effective if I do not know what makes me, me?

As a question we didn’t dig too deep, because I started late and finished at the same time, but it is a question that bears thinking about because it really does take up a large part of my life.

This is where I still need to be careful because while I recognise that holding back in counselling is not useful for anyone I have not got to the stage of trust needed to open up about my gender identity counselling.

When fulfilling a role however low my self esteem has gotten I have always sort of known what was expected of me. So I could sink time and effort into fitting that persona.

Yet now I am still torn – by now I recognise that the woman in me is more than just a bit of light stress relief or some internal kink working itself out. But there is no playbook for this…

I have no pattern to fit and it is terrifying. I have asked several times how do I know who I am? and I still feel like the answer eludes me. I know the qualities I want to have and try to live my life by, I try to be patient, and kind and loving and have integrity, but how does anyone know who they are?

Why do other people not question themselves?

How do people get comfortable in their own skin?

I don’t know, I guess this is a wood for the trees kind of day.

Take care