I spent 45 minutes this morning as soon as I woke up looking through a shops website because they have a summer sale on – 21 pages of underwear and sleep wear, over 50 pages of bags and accessories. I added a few things to my basket but the call of nature made me put my phone down and get up – after I swapped out of my pink cotton pj’s into my “dad” tracky bottoms and top. As I walked passed the mirror – unshaven, in need of a haircut (my baldness gives me that Heihachi look after a few weeks) I couldn’t help but think what a state I look. Disgusting.
For me life at the moment is simply something that weighs me down – it robs me of my energy to do any of the things I want to do – both proffessionally in my work, but also socially and mentally.
Lockdown has not changed too much for me – I scrape by each week with work, I spend all week watching youtube/amazon films or Netflix and leaving it until the last minute to prep what needs to be done for my meetings.
The constant battles to try and keep my teenage son engaged with his schoolwork are draining and we both hate shouting at each other, but cannot help but get frustrated.
I had reached a point where I was going out running 3 times a week and was trying to lose weight in order to fit into a yellow sun dress my sister gave me. It is a UK size 12 so extremely unlikely I will ever be slim enough for it, but I could complete 10km events and not feel like I was going to die from the exertion. It has now been a month since I last went out and ran a 5km and my weight is going up and up and up, and every few days I say tomorrow I will go out and then when tomorrow comes I sleep badly the night before and don’t want to get up.
I haven’t kept in touch with my sisters very well, even meeting my online friends is sporadic at best – sometimes because of meetings but other times just because of poor timekeeping, and these are the people I actually want to talk to.
Even though I wanted to, writing this has taken me several attempts as I just do not have the attention span to sit and focus, apathy has taken over my life. I feel like last year I was like a ballon inflating steadily, finding out more and more about who I am and how I see myself, there were times when I felt some of the air escaping and I was going backwards but overall it seemed like once I could get over my own fear and admit that regardless of physical appearance right now I actually see myself as a feminine person.
Whether it is covid and lockdown or the fact that everything has gone on hold and I cannot dress as Dee I dont know. This year it feels like I have deflated most if not all the way.
It seems I am able to carry on indefinitely on autopilot in order to pay the bills and look after my son but with absolutely no solid point of reference for who I am and what I want out of my life I dont really recognise me any more..